When did it become a bad thing to have feelings and emotions? At what point did our society become one that is so afraid of feelings that people decide just to sweep things under the rug and ignore other people’s feelings instead of confronting the issue head on, dealing with it and moving on with life? When confronting issues, it doesn’t always mean there will be a big dramatic blow out. Confronting the issue simply means looking at another person and having the ability to both say and hear, “you hurt my feelings” and being able to understand that the other person’s feelings matter.
I understand, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to put yourself in a vulnerable state long enough to speak those words. However, when those “you hurt my feelings” words go unspoken, the hurt doesn’t go away. Instead, it starts out like a small blister that slowly festers under the skin until it literally explodes. I am also very aware that it is extremely uncomfortable to sit down with someone you love and hear the words, “you hurt my feelings.” No one wants to be the cause of another person’s pain. No one WANTS to hear that. However, in order to validate another person’s feelings those are the positions we must get comfortable with.
Say there is some sort of falling out between you and someone you love. Your feelings are tremendously hurt and you actually say the words, “you hurt my feelings.” The other person does nothing to validate your feelings, they simply say to themselves “I don’t understand why she’s hurt” and instead of dealing with it, they chose to either just walk away or worse, act like it never happened. Here’s the problem with that. You don’t have to understand WHY the person is hurting. You simply need to understand that they ARE hurting and their feelings matter too. The ultimate double whammy is when someone feels like you have hurt their feelings, they have expressed those hurt feelings and the only courage you have is enough to sweep it under the rug. Saying things like, “the only awkwardness would be on you” or “only you control your feelings” does nothing but further the hurt. It is the ultimate invalidation of another person’s feelings. Cold, cruel and cowardice are the only adjectives that can be used to describe those statements and behaviors.
This part shouldn’t be that complicated. Feelings matter. Feelings cannot be wrong. Perceptions that led to those feelings could be wrong, but the feelings themselves are never wrong. A person’s feelings are always valid. If you are the person who has been told by someone else, “You hurt my feelings” it is your responsibility to either try to understand the why/how or simply say I don’t agree with your perception, but your feelings are valid and I am sorry that I hurt them. It can be that easy. If the two people decide to hash out the details of the whatever happened, that is up to them, but it certainly isn’t necessary. You don’t have to understand the how and why to understand that the other person is a real live human with real live emotions whose feelings matter.
If you are the person who has been hurt, your feelings matter. You matter. If the other person does not validate your feelings, you must move on with your life. You cannot let that hurt fester inside you. Whatever form moving on entails, you have to do it. You have to be able to recognize that no one who truly cares about you would knowingly allow you to hurt, and not even try to do anything about it. All that you can do in any relationship is state your feelings. What the other person chooses to do with that information is up to them.
My hope would be that we could get back to a place in society where people matter. Feelings matter. People need to stop being so afraid of communication and start loving more. When you truly love another person the last thing you would ever want to do is see them hurt. The second to last thing you would want is to be the cause of that hurt. Understanding the hurt would be the ultimate goal, however more times then not, validation of those hurt feelings is all the other person needs. Have some courage and confront the issues.
#LoveYourselfFirst #LoveYourselfMore