Narcissists tend to be some of the most charming and intelligent people you may meet in life’s journey. Understanding the narcissist may be difficult at first because the narcissist can be the most seductive and fascinating person you will ever meet. They can also be the most dangerous characters due to the underlying world of pain they carry within (I have documented these in my book, "Being Single: A State for the Fragile Heart").
You may be drawn into the world of a narcissist with the following attributes:
- Highly Impressive Narcissists outsmart people with the first impression. You will be intrigued by the words you hear while holding a conversation with a narcissist. They are steps way ahead of you and will always have an answer to every topic and tend to have the last word to discredit anything you say.
- Charming Their good looks will ‘wow’ you. This is one of the common ways a narcissist draws your attention to him/her. They make you feel like you have known them for a very long time. This will make you feel initially safe with them.
- They are Great Story Tellers The narcissist is highly intelligent and can captivate you with history, statistics, quotes, world reports and events. The primary tool used by narcissists is story-telling. They use this to show you how knowledgeable they are and you are more likely to be gullible enough to be locked in with this attribute.
- Full of Antics Narcissists are full of antics and can cover their tracks without feeling guilty. They can present you with a world of lies and usually exaggerate their accomplishments. The moment you try to discredit the narcissist, they will make you suffer and feel guilty for every lie they have told you. The narcissist will blame and frame you for everything while playing a victim.
These attributes are due to deep wounds and pain they have experienced from a traumatic experience as a child or adult. The pain has resulted in the narcissist suppressing his/her good qualities and they have awoken fear and ego which now dominate the thoughts and mind of a narcissist. These deep wounds/pain carried for a long period, is often because of being hurt by someone the narcissist looked up to or adored deeply.
You may ask, “Can a narcissist change?” The answer is “Absolutely, Yes!” As a coach, I have supported narcissists, both male and female and I will continue to do so. Narcissists do have a good heart but the hurt or pain has led to their caging their “true identity” and the fear and ego has resulted in identity crisis. The narcissist sometimes will go back and reflect on their actions but due to ego and fear, find it hard to apologize as they suffer from low self-esteem and believe that apologizing for their actions will make them feel like losers.
Narcissists never want to be perceived as weak and never accept defeat because their pain. Remember that the situation that broke them was not what they expected. They loved and trusted someone or people who let them down. This has significantly contributed to their traumatic experiences hence they are attracted to those who remind them of those people in their quest for healing. However, an utterance or re-enactment of a memory from the painful experiences, awakens the narcissistic behavior as a form of self-defense.
Narcissists can heal, experience love and find love again once they become whole. However, you cannot love a narcissist who is still in a lot of pain. You will only lose yourself while trying to save them. They will break you and you will also need to get professional help when you get out of the relationship.
The best you can do is to be friends and encourage the narcissist to seek the professional help of a coach or therapist. To help and support a narcissist, schedule a session with me or send an email to coaching@kemisogunle.com.
(This article was originally published on Kemi’s Website.) This material is copyright protected. © 2015 Kemi Sogunle. All Rights Reserved.