Transgender issues have reached the public domain, gaining mainstream recognition and tolerance, in varying degrees, across the country. With celebrities coming out publicly, television shows like Transparent and Orange is the New Black winning awards and capturing large audiences, and the restroom debates featured prominently in the news, most people have some exposure to this topic. That said, there is a vast information gap between knowing of transgender issues and understanding what transition really means for the individual and their circle of friends, families and co-workers.
Earlier this year, a long-time friend and colleague, shared that her son, whom I had known as Sam, had transitioned and is now Rebecca. While this was major news to me, I was not surprised by how lovingly accepting she was of her daughter and her decision to come out as transgender in her early 30’s. Dr. Nancie Barwick, a counselor and therapist with more than 20 years of experience, is open-minded and easy-going ― someone whom I have always seen as “walking her talk” and would happily refer clients to her over the years.
Asking lots of questions, which my friend graciously answered, I gained a glimpse into the immense amount of courage it must take to live as a transgender individual in our society. She related the challenges Becca (as she likes to be called) faces working in an office environment and having to learn an entirely new way of walking, talking, dressing, etc.
Nancie also mentioned that she was assisting Becca with the paperwork to get her identification and documentation changed, such as birth certificate and Master’s Degree. There was something about this fact that touched me deeply as I considered the permanence of this transition, and the impact of Becca’s choice on her loved ones.
I am struck by how lucky Becca has been to have had the unconditional support of her parents, as I would imagine that for others this may not have been the case. Doing some research, I realized that transgender individuals do not comprise the infinitesimal portion of the general population that one may imagine. A study released in June 2016 from UCLA Law estimates that 1 in 167 persons in the US identifies as transgender! Add to that figure each one’s circle of influence and it’s clear that a considerable number of people are impacted by this incidence.
In a subsequent conversation with Becca, she revealed that she made the decision to call the doctor and begin hormone treatments after a visit home for the holidays. While she was aware by the age of 13 or 14 that there was something that did not fit with being a male, she did not have a vocabulary for articulating the disconnect, even to herself. Working in New York and having a support group there, including a younger trans woman she considers a “big sister” made the decision-making process easier, although she is not one to take such a serious life change easily.
She was fairly nervous about coming out to her parents, which she did in a phone call, making it clear that she was “informing you, not asking for permission.” However, it was the anticipation of revealing her transition to the extended family, including grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins that caused the most anxiety. How she handled this was writing a general letter, to be shared with all family members. This was an inspired idea as it gave each relative a chance to digest this remarkable information without having to expose Becca to reactions that might be uncomfortable.
Nancie was surprised by Becca’s revelation, but not shocked. While she would not have foreseen this happening, she often had a sense that Becca was not quite comfortable in her body.
When asked what presented the greatest challenge in living as a transgender woman, Becca explained that she was most worried about not making a spectacle of herself as a white middle class trans woman. She said that it takes time to develop confidence in living life according to her choice and at first often battled with the inner thought “I don’t have the right to do this.” She admitted that certain aspects of her life have been more difficult since moving from New York City to southern Virginia for her job, but her self-assurance is growing. For instance, in the earlier stages she would ask permission to enter the women’s bathroom but no longer feels it necessary.
Recognizing the need for more education about this issue Nancie has decided to become an educator and to devote part of her northern Virginia practice to help ease the transition for the transgender individual, their families, partners and co-workers. Her goal is to help others in the helping professions develop the knowledge and comfort level necessary to provide service in the transgender community. Becca may be partnering with her mother in this endeavor.
Observing Becca’s journey and the family dynamic from a few degrees of separation has taught me a lot about courage and grace and acceptance. I hope that more people take the time to understand transgender so that these brave individuals receive the support, tolerance and recognition they deserve for choosing to live in compatibility with their self-identify