Note: This piece is a work of satire.
Reacting to recent events, House and Senate Republicans have made a revision to their budget. In a secret meeting in the dark of night attended by only four men and Mike Pence, a bicameral sub rosa subcommittee drafted a new budget that decreases tax cuts to the wealthy by half .
“We have reduced those cuts by an astonishing 50%,” said Mitch McConnell or someone like him. “Instead of $ 1.5 trillion, the wealthy will now only get a $.75 trillion tax break. That’s less.”
And that’s not all: In a surprising show of unity, Republicans, the president, and those who own them are in complete agreement over what that savings should be spent on and it isn’t on debt paydown.
“There’s only one issue that can unify Republicans enough to spend money on something other than themselves,” said MK Harding, political analyst at the American Political Analysis Institute. “And you know as well as I do what that is.”
“American democracy is not about reducing the deficit,” confirms McConnell. “American democracy is about justice and that’s why we will use every penny of this money to strengthen and deepen the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails, Benghazi and getting to the bottom of the real Russia story. This should demonstrate our commitment to being re-elected in 2018 by the American people who we want to continue to work for in this way.”
Members of the grassroots budget reform activist group Show Your Work were nonplussed by this development.
“It isn’t even a savings. We don’t have that money. That money is non-existent. It was never there. It was just a number in a document,” said Jerry Warriner, CPA. “There’s nothing to spend.”
When asked to respond to these remarks, Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “That kind of comment is not befitting of an American accountant.”
And the President himself tweeted:
**No war widows were bullied in the writing of this article.