The Blog

UnHung Hero: The Last Word On Penis Size

UnHung Hero, directed by Brian Spitz, follows Moote through his humiliation, confusion and eventual enlightenment. Penis size is a very touchy subject for most males. Worldwide, over fifty percent fear their schlong is too short.
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

What do you do when Life throws lemons at you? Make a documentary. Patrick Moote was in love, so much so that he proposed to his girlfriend at a UCLA basketball game. Confident of her heart, the proposal was projected on the big screens for all to see. The girl declined. Moote was crushed. The lemons began to rain. The incident became national and worldwide news. The YouTube clip clocked over ten million hits. The humiliation was not yet complete. What was the reason for her refusal? The girl replied that his penis was too small. Ouch!

UnHung Hero, directed by Brian Spitz, follows Moote through his humiliation, confusion and eventual enlightenment. Penis size is a very touchy subject for most males. Worldwide, over fifty percent fear their schlong is too short.

Moote, a shaggy comedian and actor, was aghast at his girlfriend's charge. His first inclination was to find out if she was correct. Interviews with former girlfriends told him that there was an issue. One gave him a three out of a scale of ten. Another politely admitted, "It could be bigger." Interviews with medical specialists confirmed that Moote has a low normal averaged sized penis. 2013-11-12-Unhung3D.png

Does penis size matter? Moote hit the streets to find out. The girls at a porn convention think it does. Erotic cinematographers need length for composition purposes. Annie Sprinkle, the former hooker and eco-sexologist, believes that Mother Nature does not care. Over a series of interviews with women on the street, Moote learned that size is an issue, but not a huge one.

Now thoroughly deflated, Moote set out to see what he could do about it. Penis enhancement is a $5 billion a year business. Pumps promise to pull the penis to new lengths. Pills guarantee a tree trunk in your pants. Jelqing is a thirty-minute a day massage technique to reconstitute the muscle. Unfortunately, the penis is not a muscle. Moote tried it all, to no avail.

With American remedies proving useless, UnHung Hero takes a global perspective. The Taiwanese offer the most dramatic remedies. Male foodies might enjoy the testicles of the turtle or the rooster. Snake Alley offers reptilian liquors for a penile boost. Most macho are the weightlifters. One hearty soul lifts 350 pounds tied to his manhood. Patrick Moote gives it a shot with five pounds and does not recommend the practice.

The film declares that the Koreans have the smallest penises in the world. Speaking with a group of male students, it seems the populace is well aware of their ranking. One student suggests the filmmakers visit a Korean bathhouse for proof. Moote does, with a hidden camera and a towel wrapped around his waist. In one of the funniest segments, the camera is discovered and Moote has to high tail it fast. This scene alone is worth the price of the DVD.

In Papa New Guinea, Moote learns of an oil injection that will enlarge his penis. The street practitioner has successfully treated over three thousand happy customers. With nothing clinical to this approach, Moote wisely chickens out.

Back in Korea, the esteemed penis enlargement pioneer is Dr. Yoo-Soo Lee. A section of fatty tissue is removed from the abdomen and inserted into the penis for a natural, enhanced look. Before Moote agrees to the procedure, the camera crew gets to shoot a surgery in action. It is rather vivid. Both Moote and the sound guy lose their lunch.

With a sturdy director and a likeable protagonist, Unhung Hero is a lighthearted romp with laughs. Not all fun, there are many cringe worthy moments when male viewers will suddenly grab their junk and cross their legs. Most delightful, a lovely little romance develops throughout the film with sweet serendipity.

The filmmakers have thoroughly considered and answered man's most pressing anxieties: Does size matter? and Can you enlarge it? The film is populated with scholarly experts and wild characters. Even Ron Jeremy provides sage advice, "A good tongue is more important (than cock size)." In New York, Moote meets with Jonah Falcon, who has a penchant for wearing tight fitting pants. He is the man with the world's largest penis. While many might regard the man with envy, we feel his pain. Some burdens are just too big to bear. As his anxiety grows, Patrick Moote is comforted by the wise and fatherly advice of sex columnist Dan Savage. It seems that penis size is a moot point.

UnHung Hero is available on DVD November 26.


GORDY GRUNDY is a Los Angeles based artist and arts writer. His visual and literary work can be found at