Unmistakable Signs You're Middle-Aged, But Still in Denial

The signs that you're undergoing a mid-life crisis are many. However, most share a common thread and can be classified into a few neat categories that basically all mean the same thing: 1) Oblivious, 2) Clueless, 3) Misplaced, 4) Misguided, and finally, 5) Out of touch.

1. Oblivious: You go to your freshman's "High School Curriculum Night" and find her classes so fascinating that you boldface ask the teacher if you can enroll, too. Obviously, her courses are way more interesting than the crap you studied back in high school.

2. Clueless: One of your freshman's instructors announces an upcoming educational trip to Japan and you wonder if they'd notice you weren't really a student. I mean, c'mon. At 5'1 ½", most freshmen are taller than you anyway.

3. Misplaced: You bawl the whole way while racing between class periods during "High School Curriculum Night" because suddenly, you realize you wasted four years of high school not appreciating high school. But, then again, maybe you really did? You just can't remember.

4. Oblivious: You go to a party and dance the same moves you rocked back in 1988. And even though you never once updated your steps, think you still look pretty damn good on the dance floor--despite your children burying their heads in their salad plates out of sheer humiliation.

5. Clueless: It's not that you're losing your hearing. It's that everybody frickin' whispers. All. The. Frickin'. Time.

6. Clueless: It's not that you need glasses. It's that the fonts they use these days are smaller than ever.

7. Misguided: You see that canary yellow convertible Corvette and it still makes you drool.

8. Clueless: Without warning, you find yourself empowered to take up new hobbies such as dismantling bicycles and reassembling them.

9. Clueless: All your joints hurt after a tennis match, but you refuse medication. Arthritis only happens to old farts, you reason. The racket is too heavy. And anyway, your shoes are for cross-training and technically, not proper tennis sneakers.

10. Clueless: After your one and only glass of wine, you challenge everyone on the dance floor. An hour later, you're home in bed with a nasty hangover.

11. Out of touch: Your teen daughter has a crush on Jimmy Fallon. And so do you.

12. Out of touch: Your tween daughter has a crush on Zac Efron. And you do, too.

13. Out of touch: You make no effort to look sexy at bedtime. In fact, your nighttime garb is about as flattering as a prison uniform and one you rarely wash because then, what else would you sleep in?

14. Out of touch: You've been married so long you forgot how to flirt. And insist that during every interaction with a waiter, store clerk, or bank teller, he or she is totally hitting on you.

15. Turn Ons: Hot coffee at 5:30am, uninterrupted bathroom time, a good-sweat workout, singing your heart out to classic Eagles between errands, and holding hands in bed with your husband while dosing off to Shark Tank.

Married and middle-aged may not appear that exciting in its external presentation, but damn is it hot and steamy and wild inside your 40-something mind!