Urban Outfitters New Hire Orientation

Dear Associate,

Welcome to Urban Outfitters! We are thrilled you are joining us. We at Urban Outfitters are firm proponents of team playing and fostering a sense of community among our employees. Today we are going to introduce you to what we expect from you, and tell you what you can expect from us!

Let's start with a little company background. Urban Outfitters is a retail chain of clothing stores offering high quality clothes that are aged in mason jars at a location that used to be a wind chime factory. Our aesthetic is just as important as maintaining a strong presence of the word "aesthetic" in our vocabulary. Some people may ask: Why spend a lot of money on clothes at Urban Outfitters when you can just knead a pilled cardigan into an old jug? It is your job to respond with: Uh, pilled cardigans aren't music festival chic, duh! Your role is critical in fulfilling our mission to make sure our clothes photograph well at Coachella and other nationally recognized music festivals.

Before you learn our Urban Outfitters values which we expect our associates to exemplify, please take out your iPhone and Instagram an "Everything tastes better with avocado" meme. ("Valencia" filter preferred.)

I'll wait.

Did you post it? Great! Let's briefly go over the responsibilities required to maintain and operate an Urban Outfitters. Standard operations of working in retail apply: Simple tasks such as taking inventory and restocking are expected, and not just our clothes! We also have a collection of books sold exclusively at Urban Outfitters, including highly anticipated releases: 34 Photos of Interns in Black Turtlenecks Sipping Diet Coke, America's Top 10 Small Town Gazebos to Write Your Manuscript In, and, Pimp My Podcast. We are a fast-paced workplace, but we have the tools to help you keep up!

Now, please take a few minutes to log into your Facebook and post a diatribe about how you're sick of people confusing vegans with vegetarians, and accompany it with a corroborating article written by someone with ombre hair.

All posted?! You're doing great!

We have a very specific way we want our store to look and feel, and ask that you help contribute with an open mind and willingness to participate in creating our unique atmosphere. Our stores' environment harbor a sense of nostalgia, sort of like a faint childhood memory or that feeling when you recognize an actor that looks vaguely familiar because they play minor roles like judges, victims, and demons on popular cable shows. Our presentation is matched with a carefully curated soundtrack that sounds like a lava lamp if it were a sound. The dress code is simple: wear something that will expose your tattoo of a Sylvia Plath quote AT ALL TIMES.

We are delighted to have you on our team and hope you are ready to continue making Urban Outfitters a great place to work and shop! Now, as a treat to you: if you fold up this letter and put it underneath your pillow before you go to sleep tonight, Lana Del Rey will bring you a Moleskine notebook!

This post is satire.