ISLAMABAD (The Borowitz Report) - The US confirmed today that it has killed al-Qaeda's number three for the nine thousandth time, setting a new world's record for killing the number three man in a terrorist organization.
"No matter how many times you do it, it's always a special feeling when you nail their number three," a U.S. military official said today. "I'm sure I'll feel this way when we do it for the 9001st time."
The termination of al-Qaeda's number three sets up a power vacuum within al-Qaeda, with candidates to replace the fallen Mustafa Abu al-Yazid scrambling to remove themselves from consideration.
According to one candidate within the terror group, "The words no al-Qaeda member ever wants to hear are, 'Congratulations - you're our new number three.'" More here.
The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has "one of the funniest Twitter feeds around." Follow Andy on Twitter here.