"U.S. Shoots Self in Foot. Sends Troops to Protect Other Foot."

As the evidence of U.S. involvement selling weapons to Iraq mounts, the White House is in "full game mode"; Bush made it clear how serious he was about the threat to America by America.
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Administration reports that bombs found in Iraq may have come from Iran have fueled speculation of an impending war with that rogue terrorist state. Now, however, comes the revelation of another, even more dangerous, massive influx of foreign weaponry that has entered Iraq.

Sources disclose the arsenal comes from the United States of America.

"I couldn't believe my eyes," said Lt. Charles Danvers, who led the patrol which found the initial cache. "There it was, a huge hoard of bombs, and every last one had Uncle Sam marked all over. For a sec, I felt kind of patriotic, seeing my flag on the bombs. But then, of course, I realized it they were being used against us."

Other stashes of American-supplied arms were later discovered throughout Iraq, as Army intelligence built upon new evidence. In one notable raid, the 51st Battalion captured 15,000 rifles supplied to Iraq rebels by the U.S. At first, their origin was unclear, but a quick-eyed soldier, Pvt. Harold Milligan spotted an invoice marked "Halliburton," with a handwritten sticky note, "Have a nice day."

Reports have started to leak from the White House that President Bush is preparing an address to the nation, declaring war against ourselves.

Quietly, documents have been released to support such an action. They show CIA intelligence given to Iraq on the use of mustard gas and cyanide attacks as early as 1984, as well as shipments of military and industrial technology.

"We have solid evidence that Saddam Hussein himself met with high-ranking agents of America," a subdued Vice-President Dick Cheney told NBC News. "There are irrefutable photographs of Saddam with Donald Rumsfeld. And believe me, I know what Donald Rumsfeld looks like. I'm aware people don't trust me much anymore, but you have to trust me on this one."

An unnamed Administration official has hinted that the President might be re-hiring Mr. Rumsfeld as a special consultant. As the source noted, who better than the former Defense Secretary knows where all the armaments are hidden? After all, Rumsfeld was long-insistent of having "iron clad" evidence where such material was.

And now, mounting proof provided by the White House shows shipments of cyanide, poison gases and anthrax were delivered by America to Iraq by the late 1980s.

"Okay, this surely is evidence of what we've been saying all along," White House spokesman Tony Snow stated emphatically. "Hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We know this. We know this for certain. We know this because we sold them ourselves. C'mon, folks, put the pieces of the puzzle together. We have the documents."

All together, the discoveries of munitions and biological weapons have grown to an impressive number. Cluster bombs, tanks, steel tubes for military application and even helicopters have been found to have been supplied by the United States. "Honestly, it's probably why we have such a short supply of protective armor for our own troops now," White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett commented. "I'm guessing we just gave it away."

As the evidence of U.S. involvement selling weapons to Iraq mounts, the White House is in "full game mode." Indeed, the President himself has hit the road. Yesterday, in Lexington, Kentucky, he addressed an adoring, hand-picked crowd of 20 supporters.

"The United States of America has been supplying weapons of mass destruction to Iraq for over 20 years," Mr. Bush intoned. "My very own dad told me. He helped order the arms there himself, for goodness sake. That puts us right in the center of the axis of evil. That makes us a threat to ourselves. That means we must protect ourselves from ourselves."

The President then took pre-written questions from the supportive assembly, which included inquiries into his favorite color and whether trees are nice? Mr. Bush closed by making it clear how serious he was about the threat to America by America.

"When I needed a new Secretary of Defense," he explained, "I hired Robert Gates. Who better to serve our nation against these terrible weapons than the man who, as Deputy Director of the CIA in 1982, approved their sale? That is why I have selected him to replace the previous Secretary of Defense who himself helped sell American armaments to Iraq, as well. As we say in Texas, 'You can fool some of the people some of the time, but fool me all the time and shame on you because there's no fool like an old fool, and I pity the fool.'"

As Congress debates the prospect of America going to war against itself, Republican leaders have raised the prospect of filibustering themselves. None would go on the record, however, although each Republican questioned criticized themselves for their silence. They did acknowledge privately that they support the President, even if they couldn't precisely explain him.

"It's real simple, folks," spokesman Snow told his press conference. "America has supplied weapons to Iraq, and we must be stopped, and we will fight ourselves to save America from continuing this fight. Who are you going to believe on this? Us - or us? Or U.S.?"

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