Valedictorian Speech At The Electoral College, Class of 2016

Mr. Precident Trump and President Putin, esteemed guest of honors Mr. Tillerson (shout out you nutty little monkey), Mr. Comey (FBI means "For Bucks I do anything"), owners of Dominos Pizza (it's better than what we get in Moscow! Can I get an amen?), master actors Busey, Ferrigno, rock and roll legend, Mr. Meatloaf (also better than what we get in Moscow), Omarosa, sitcom supreme performer and political analyst Chachi Arcola (forget Charles, WE are in charge!) white nationalists, members of the KKK, Mrs. Trump (hey, I'm over here! No. This way. Keep going. More. No. Look down. Here I am!) and grown-up Trump children Connie, Fredo and the one who fell off the stage earlier and 538 Comrades.

I welcome you, the graduating class of the Electoral College Class of 2016 which was originally created because the right of suffrage was much more diffusive in the Northern than the Southern States, so our founding fathers wanted to make sure that the latter could have no influence in the election on the score of Negroes. The substitution of electors obviated this difficulty and seemed on the whole, to be liable to fewest objections.

Could someone please wake up, Precident Trump? Tell him that we are showing "Moana" in five minutes. Thank you. I would also at this time like to thank Miss Janet Evancho for her stirring rendition of The State Anthem of the U.S.S.R.A. (And for screaming, rather than singing the lyrics, "Sing our Motherland, Free and Undying, Bulwark of the Peoples in Brotherhood Strong!") I have been told that cows all the way back in Minsk wept and passed a record amount of methane gas. Screw global warming! Am I right, peoples?

You have all done a wonderful job as the real checks and balancers of the former USA by casting your nearly landslide, unanimous, biggest-ever vote for Mr. Trump -- despite the official findings of 17 individual intelligence agencies that the Soviet Union hacked into our computer system in order to assure a rigged election. Thank God that intelligence means absolutely nothing to our new leader, Precident Trump.

And while a broken and utterly useless doorknob could figure out that Mr. Trump clearly intends to use his office for personal gain (by building the world's newest terrorist targets, Trump Hotels, in places like Taiwan -- despite violating forty years of fragile, carefully negotiated diplomacy with China (Behind closed doors Mr. Trump calls it "Vachina." He also calls Exxon, "Sexxon"), we have chosen to look the other way, mainly because we are all scared to death that Mr. Trump's bat-wielding goon squad will exact a quick and painful revenge, Tony Soprano style. Our Precident's first name, after all, is "Don."

Would someone please show Mrs. Trump where her seat is? She appears to be helplessly lost. (*This sentence was actually written in advance because, well, it was inevitable, right?).

It should be noted that the wobbly and dangerously unpredictable chairs that you are sitting in were all made by underage child slave labor in the sweat factories of Mexico and, I kid you not, China (if you peel off the "Trump: Made in America" label off, you will see the words, "Ha, Ha, Ha"). I am told, that they are the most fantastic chairs ever made by anyone "believe me" and you are under total obligation to buy one.

They come in three sizes: Barron, Ivanka, and Bigly.

You, the class of 2016, have gone WAY beyond what was expected of you and I want to personally say thank you to each and every one of you. You did not laugh until you peed in your pants when Mr. Trump appointed Mr. Carson and Mr. Perry to his cabinet. As you will recall, during the Republican debates, Mr. Perry could not remember the name of the Department of Energy. But hey: he was on our version of "Dancing With the Csars"! That is the standard that Precident Trump uses when making any official cabinet selection. He also occasionally spins his son-in-law's dreidel which has the names of candidates taped over the Hebrew letters, while he famously squeals "Weeeeeeee!"

Lastly, I would like to thank the peoples of rural America who bought millions of Trump hats plus the all the insane, racist and sexist things that he said during the campaign. By the way, the hot new red baseball cap with the phrase "Fracks Before Facts" should be out shortly. Mr. Trump, at his own personal expense, has made yamulke versions for his secret room of accountants which he lovingly refers to as "Goldmine Sachs.")

So you are officially discharged of your duties 2016 class of the Electoral College.

Go forth and spread anger, fear and despair wherever you go.

The worst is yet to come.