Valentine's Cards From Steve Bannon

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1. I’m so glad you’re with me

You are my fourth Reich

You keep your mouth shut

And you’re no giant dyke

Accept my gift of an apron

Come close, I won’t bite

Cheers for keeping it tight

And always alt-right

P.S. Birth control makes you unattractive and crazy.


2. Roses are red

Violets are blue

The Apocalypse is coming

Awesome.


3. You’re so beautiful, you’re so fine

I will now definitively call you mine

You're an object to own like a colostomy bag,

My feelings fly as high as the confederate flag.

Stop trying to flee and pull up your Spanx

I’m still very fond of you

Just not like Goldman Sachs big banks


4. 1/2 cup hugs

3 tsp cinnamon hearts

4 tbsp kisses

2 miniature hands

1 large swamp

1 Senate (divided)

2 wars (divide between war with China and global existential war with Islam)

All the nuclear codes

0 checks and balances

2 cups white nationalism

Blend all and sprinkle generously with a dusting of homophobia!

<a rel="nofollow" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/39908901@N06/8418026760/" target="_blank">Valentine&#39;s day m&amp;ms

5. Guns and bombs for my loving sweetheart,

A Valentine’s card and alt facts from Breitbart

I’m down on one knee and I’d like to propose

A prenup much longer than KellyAnne’s nose

A white diamond ring and a box of red vines

I’m an expert on marriage, I’ve done it three times.


6. You have great legs,

Let’s destroy all of today’s establishment and burn the planet.


7. I love you for your alternative facts

Your shaven head and swastika tats

Your camouflage dress and AK-47

It’s clear to me you’ve been blasted from heaven.


8. You are a garden variety racist

And I celebrate you

Though I wish you were more forthcoming

About being anti-Jew.


9. Your thighs are are strong as…war

War. War. War. War. War. War.

War. War. War. War. War. War.

War. War. War. War. War. War.

War. War. War. War. War. War.

Waaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


10. I have been struck by cupid’s arrow

I should gouge out your eyes and suck out your marrow

And now that I am—

Shoot, what rhymes with chief strategist?

Beef batter fist?

Grief catalyst?

Thief masochist?

Misbelief sebaceous cyst?

Note to self: not all poems rhyme well, some just contain important words like “oligarchical autocratic dictatorship run by a sexy supremacist who went to Harvard Business School.” Boom.


11. Your eyes are like coins

Your legs are like missiles

Now make me a sandwich

Or I’ll punch you in the head


12. Grateful for being white

For being stronger than the boneless

Grateful you’re my Valentine

Because I often look homeless


13. I did Nazi this coming, you’ve Stalin my heart

Our love is as strong as my warmongering art.


14.

Chocolate-covered cherries

An orange puppet

Patriarchy

Initiate WWIII

Totalitarianism

Adorable

Love is for Judeo-Christian nationalists

I heart nukes

Shaving is for losers

M&Ms…Mmmm


15. This one is for you, Trump

On this special day

You opened the White House

And showed me the way.

You’re shutting out Muslims

And building a wall

Clever boy, Trumpie, you’ve swindled them all!

It’s time to fight terrorism

And troll Rosie O’Donnell

Go silence that lesbo!

Like ol’ Mitch McConnell.

You’ve pleased the masses

With barely a hitch

Now I’m running this country

And you are my bitch.

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