I spoke with Psychic to the Stars, Psychic Girl, aka Jusstine Kenzer about who would make the perfect date for me on Valentines Day.
ALI: I don't have a date for Valentines Day. I have a boyfriend. Yet, I'm still dateless on Valentines Day.
JUSSTINE: You have a boyfriend.
A: Yeah. He is out-of-town, so I'm dateless. But I'm not going to let that get in my way. I want you to help me find the perfect Valentines Day date. You said you might be able to help me out and predict who could be a good match for me out of the men that I find... dreamy. That's the technical term, right? Dreamy? So I chose men I think would be delighted to go out with me. But also men that I would say yes to. Maybe we can see who you get a hit on? That's the lingo, right?
J: Yes, let's see who I get a hit on for you.
A: Well, there's Jude Law, who I just adore, no matter what horrible things he does in his personal life. I think he is handsome and talented. There's Jon Stewart. He's a genius. There's Daniel Craig. He's Bond! C'mon.
J: He's a little taken.
A: So is Jon Stewart. I am too, supposedly. Doesn't mean I can't go out for a nice Valentine's dinner, right?
J: ... Okay.
A: Okay? Let's see. Hmm. Oh, Ryan Gosling. I think he's also taken. Doesn't mean he can't take me out for Valentine's Day. Oh and then there's my first love: Han Solo.
J: Right. How about a real person?
A: He's real. He has his own action figure. He saved the galaxy...
J: Okaaay. I've looked at lots of people who are delusional about things.
A: Are you talking about me? Or Han Solo? He awakened my sexuality at the age of six.
J: Let's just say Harrison Ford.
A: You can call it Harrison Ford, but I'll be thinking Han Solo.
J: Why don't you start to ask me specific questions?
A: Let's start with Jude Law. If I were with him, would he sleep with the nanny?
A: Really. He'd be faithful to me?
J: I didn't say that. I said he wouldn't sleep with the nanny.
A: Damn. That's cold. Ok, rephrasing. Would he be faithful?
J: I get yes.
A: Wow. So I could cure him of all his infidelities? Amazing. Would his hair grow back?
A: Is he worth all the trouble he causes?
J: I get no.
A: So I would tire of him?
J: He'd get bored if things would be balanced.
A: Is he a drama queen?
J: Not a drama queen but he has issues with his mother.
A: Uuuuuugh. No. I can't, nope. Next. I can't. I CANNOT. No. No. No. Let's talk about Jon Stewart. Is he funny off camera too? Or is he a crying on the inside clown?
J: He is funny off camera.
A: I figured. Is he married to his work?
A: No? He can leave it at the office?
J: Looks like he is balanced. He used to not always be that way but it's reached a point where he has found that balance.
A: So, he's not married to his work but is he married to his wife?
J: Yes. He's faithful and a good guy.
A: Aww, that's why I love him. He's a really good guy. But he'd still take me out for a dinner Valentines Day night. Right?
A: No? Now I love him even more.
J: No, but he'd be very flattered and he would buy you a rose.
A: I am so in love right now. (whispering) Jon Stewart I love you! I can tell he loves me too. Sigh. We will just have to work together someday.
J: I get yes on that.
A: Really? Oh my god. Now I'm in love with YOU too.
J: It will all work out.
A: Ok, who is next? Oh yes, James Bond! Daniel Craig. Does he get really fat in between the Bond movies?
J: I get no. He is muscley. His constitution is pretty solid.
A: Is he emotionally muscley?
J: I get no.
A: So he is a softy? Does he cry a lot?
J: I get that he is romantic.
A: Does he make his date go dutch or does he pay?
J: No he always pays.
A: Good to know.
J: It seems like he is a good guy.
A: They can't all be good guys.
J: The ones you are asking about are.
A: Wow. If I have such good radar then how did I end up dating all the asshole losers I've dated? Before my boyfriend, I mean. Honey, if you're reading this, I love you. Just because I'm plotting a date with a big movie star doesn't mean I don't love you. Maybe I should have been dating big stars?
J: You're asking about fantasy men who are your perfect type. In reality you don't pick that type.
A: Pfft. "Fantasy". Anyways. Ryan Gosling. Is he damaged from all those years in the Mickey Mouse Club with Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears?
J: No. It seems like a lifetime ago for him.
A: Is he hard to live with. I mean it's just dinner, but just in case.
J: No, he's a nice guy.
A: Again? Why am I picking all the famous nice guys?
J: Sometimes when we can't have what we want, we pick things that fill the void that perpetuate that myth.
A: So I told my subconscious that since I can't date James Bond I might as well date a second-rate asshole musician?
J: Uhhh, maybe. Some people make that mistake. Or you can listen to my Heal Your Relationship download and change your subconscious beliefs and heal yourself. Find something fulfilling.
A: Define fulfilling. Oh, you mean like Daniel Craig. OK. Moving on. Han Solo.
J: OK. How am I going to do this? I guess we can look at him as that character. How should we approach this?
A: I dunno. You're the psychic. Will Han let saving the galaxy get in the way of our relationship?
A: Will he let his relationship with Chewbacca get in the way of our relationship?
J: For that I get yes.
A: FUCK! He'd let a Wookie get in the way. Believe me. I understand the love of a cat or a dog or a best friend. And I love Wookies. But how are you supposed to settle down with somebody if there's a Wookie in your way?
J: For him, that relationship comes first.
A: I mean where is he going to take me for Valentine's Day? The motherfucking Cantina? With those freaks? Don't I deserve somewhere special? Or clean at least? I've been to some dirty ass places before. Backstage of any place on the Sunset Strip is about as dirty as the Cantina. But it's Valentine's Day! I want somewhere I can wear an open toed shoe.
J: Maybe this is a relationship that could happen on eBay? I seeing a lot of merchandisers and collectors connected to the name Han Solo who hang out there.
A: I don't see this one going anywhere. It's not as promising as some of the other famous men. It's so hard to find a nice guy in this day and millennium.