Valentine's Day is almost here. Too bad love is DEAD.
Seriously, don't feel bad if you don't have a Valentine. After all, you're living in the age of Tinder hook-ups and desperate singles' Craigslist ads. Plus for the first time in American history, adults are more likely to be single than married. Remember the good old days when couples went steady and stayed together forever?
That said, don't get too nostalgic-- because romance has always been weird, awkward and occasionally cringe-worthy. And Valentine's Days of the past weren't quite as sugary sweet as you might think. Ever since the modern Valentine's Day card catapulted to mainstream popularity in the late 1920's, lovers have shared greetings that ranged from bizarre to deeply disturbing. Take a look at some retro Valentine's Day cards from the late '20s to the '40s, and you'll suddenly be very happy to be single:
1. Do you like your romance with a healthy side of fascism?
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
Hey, the heart wants what it wants.
2. Valentine's Day is a great time to learn about consent.
Source: Imgur/cdn.acidcow.com
You can tell she's secretly really into it by the deadened look in her eyes.
3. When the butcher suspects he's about to get friend-zoned...
Source: Imgur/Mitchoconnell.blogspot.com
This arrogant baby should not be trusted with a cleaver.
4. Ya gotta love a girl who can cook.
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
Sometimes love will eat you alive, etc.
5. Does this card come on too strong?
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
Talk about a Stage-5 Clinger.
6. This hobo seems all sweet and scrappy...
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
But once he snares that leggy gal, he'll stealthily move all his stuff in and take over the couch/remote.
7. This card only LOOKS likes your worst nightmare until you read the subtle, soothing note at the bottom:
Seriously, Valentine. Don't freak out and make this weird for everyone.
8. Nothing says romance like a good military pun!
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
Tanks, but no tanks.
9. Is your love as strong a fly trap?
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
Dangerously seductive, if you're hitting on a bug.
10. Clowns need love, too.
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
He's got your heart on his butt for safe-keeping.
11. It's so romantic when a dude fights for you.
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
The stone mallet technique -- back when men were men.
12. Pretty presumptuous, sir.
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
'Cause why waste time charming her when you can just plow on in?
13. The subtext of this card is deeply disturbing.
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
So many questions. Whose ashes are in that jar? Why is he sweating so nervously?
14. This cherub-cheeked pirate ain't got time to wine and dine you.
Source: Imgur/cdn.acidcow.com
Kidnapping = the pirate's booty call.
15. Busting out the good old-fashioned farmer pun.
Source: Imgur/cdn.acidcow.com
So happy that I'll slaughter my cow and make us veal.
16. Decades before "Fifty Shades Of Grey," couples found other ways to delicately allude to kink.
Source: Imgur/cdn.acidcow.com
Just a subtle hint. Also, I bought some rope...
17. Prince Charming's white horse; low-budget playground edition!
Source: Imgur/cdn.acidcow.com
His socks are quite high, unlike her expectations.
18. Love causes flushed cheeks and other, more dire skin conditions.
Source: Imgur/cdn.acidcow.com
Girlfriend needs a dermatologist more than a Valentine.
19. When your Valentine plays hard to get...
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
Or be a prude and stay in your cage, girl. Whatever.
20. Yes, this card says, "I don't want you to be my brother, I want you to be my Valentine."
Source: Vintage Valentine's Museum
In other words, it's complicated.
So just remember, love has always been a little bit creepy and odd.
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