It's Valentine's Day which means happy couples are going to be cooing away in dark candlelit corners and single people are going to be stressing out trying to find their very own Valentine before it's February 15.
The original Valentine was a saint aptly named St. Valentine. Before he was martyred for being a Christian, he left a note for a lovely young woman named Julia that merely said, "From your Valentine." Since then it has become imperative to have your very own Valentine on Valentine's Day or you are a failure as a human being.
Keeping this in mind, here are some tips frolicking single ladies and roving bachelors can use to find their own Valentine before it's too late.
1) Blind yourself.
Oh, man, so you've got to hear about Julia and St. Valentine's super adorable meet-cute. It's up there with the scene in 101 Dalmatians where Pongo and Perdita's owners get tied up in their dog leashes because Pongo and Perdita want to dog hump.
Legend has it, Julia and St. Valentine were thrown together because Julia was blind. We don't know if she was totally blind or just legally blind and needed glasses, but because this was the Roman Empire, no one had any way to graph new irises onto her eyeballs or conduct surgery or concoct a bit of visine or even provide cool hipster reading glasses. Somehow, St. Valentine was able to use the power of Christ to heal Julia, thus becoming her very own Valentine.
Now, I'm assuming that because you're reading this, you're probably not blind. Big mistake if you want to find your very own Valentine. Blind yourself immediately. You can do a temporary job like use some pepper spray or if you're really committed to finding that one special Valentine to heal you, gouge your eyes out. The first person who offers you healthcare is your instant Valentine. Bonus points if you can see after they touch you, but even if you are blinded for life, it will be fine because at least you'll have a Valentine on Valentine's Day.
If blinding yourself seems too brutal, you can always...
2) Go to a prison.
See, here's the other adorable part of Julia and St. Valentine's meet-cute. Julia was the daughter of a Roman jailer named Asterius, who was not the coolest of cool dudes. Asterius was in charge of imprisoning St. Valentine for helping other Christians escape punishment and for performing Catholic weddings for Christian soldiers who were forbidden to be married. And then Asterius was in charge of executing St. Valentine. Bummer. But you know, everyone has to meet their Valentine somehow.
But what this means is your Valentine should be someone currently in jail. Preferably someone on Death Row. Bonus points if they are in jail or scheduled to be executed for performing some sort of religious or philosophical or politically motivated crime. And if they manage to convert you to their belief system, even better, because after Julia was healed of her blindness, she and the rest of her household were converted to Christianity.
Then again, a lot of inmates are already in committed relationships or being wooed by persistent pen pals, so you may be encroaching on claimed territory.
You don't have to give up, though. If you still can't find someone to be your Valentine, then....
3) Just go up to a random hot person and say, "Hey, will you be my imprisoned Christian priest who heals me from blindness and then leaves a single note before being executed?"
And if they say yes, then you have your Valentine.
If they say no, well they probably weren't smart or cultured enough for you anyway.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Remember, it's all about a man being executed for helping people.