Verizon's Data Caps Will Inevitably Leave Me Forever Alone

And with that unlimited data plan goes my love life.
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Thanks, Verizon. Now all these women I meet are going to realize what an idiot I am.

If you haven't heard, Verizon has announced that they'll be joining AT&T and T-Mobile by eliminating their unlimited data plans for new customers. And with that unlimited data plan goes my love life.

Allow me to set the stage:

Sometime in near future, I'll be on a date. I'll be sitting at a table with this girl whom I've begged asked to go out with me. We're going be in the middle of a lovely dinner, and she'll mention something about Wagner's "Ring Cycle." Normally, when something comes up that I'm clueless about, I'll excuse myself to go to the restroom to look up the subject in question on my phone. Maybe I'll even sneak in 30 seconds of YouTube footage. But in this nightmare scenario, I won't be able to do that. I won't be able to do it because I won't know how close I am to your obscenely-low data cap. Verizon, how am I supposed to impress women if I'm worrying about how much data I'm using?

I'll sit there and think, "Maybe I'm paranoid. I'm sure I'd never hit the cap. I mean, there was that one PC Magazine article, 'Verizon LTE Blows Through Monthly Data Cap in 32 Minutes.' But it's not like Verizon is encouraging me to watch movies over their mobile network so I can jump their cap and have the privilege of paying $20 - $40 to watch Notting Hill Rashomon. Oh wait. They kinda do want me to do that."

So, I won't excuse myself from the table. Instead, I'll sit there like a moron, wondering what data plan I have. Then I'll go back to pondering what she was talking about and if it has anything to do with that 2002 Naomi Watts movie.

Verizon, I have a facade I keep up!* I run an advocacy organization, and people assume I'm smart. If I don't have that, what am I going to do to win over women? Blow them away with my Jimmy Carter impression? That hasn't worked in years. (Not to mention, I no longer carry around that many peanuts.)

The outcome will be, predictably, that she'll insist on splitting the check and offer to walk herself home. Even though we're at a restaurant six miles from where she lives.

Result of aforementioned data caps: Eddie shall be forever alone.

Now, Verizon, you may call them "data caps," but I find that term too abstract. According to Wikipedia, "Data are often viewed as the lowest level of abstraction from which information and then knowledge are derived." Hence, what we're really talking about are "Information Caps."

If I wasn't so concerned about myself, I might be up in arms that increasingly, minorities and those with low income are accessing the internet exclusively through their mobile phone. And by charging more money for mobile data, those with the least amount of means will be punished the most (as per usual).

Why don't you just keep making those goddamn car chargers you sell for $30? You're not contributing to the digital divide by making a killing off those.

I understand that you have business to run, but when you monetize the scarcity of your product (spectrum), you create a disincentive to build better technologies and devices. And more importantly, you're diminishing my ability to find someone with whom I can invite over to watch Notting Hill The Bicycle Thief.

I suppose if there's a sliver lining to the proposed AT&T/T-Mobile merger, it's that the number of providers offering tiered data plans will drop from three to two.

But for now, I must get back to my OkCupid profile. Time to change my About section from "Moderately Intelligent" to "I once saw some dude reading a book and it looked fun."


*No, my love life is not actually based on lying to women. It's based on sheepishly trying to make eye contact with them until they get up and walk out of the Starbucks.

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