If you're an alcoholic like I am, you're probably preoccupied during this time of year with one nagging problem: What are you going to do for St. Patrick's Day? How can you properly celebrate Catholicism's arrival in Ireland without partaking in the appropriate alcohol -- and drug-fueled festivities typically associated with the holiday?
Here are a few alternatives for those of us that want to partake in some St. Patty's Day vices without throwing away years of sobriety.
Beer Bong O'Doul's
I've actually done this. Beer bonged four O'Douls' in a row, and then threw up. No one actually enjoys the act of beer bonging. Or shotgunning. Or butt-chugging. It's purely an act of camaraderie, but more than anything else, it's a means to an end. If you're knocking back multiple mock-alcoholic faux brews, that end is just a lot of bloating and memories of a better time.
That Underground Casino in Chinatown
While Cory and Blake are pounding shots of Fireball at McFlannery O'Cool's, you could be cashing in at the blackjack table -- or better yet, losing a ton of money on one single hand of poker. Everyone knows the point of gambling isn't really to win money; it's to feel something. What's more visceral than losing $2,500 on a single roll of the die?
Maybe Try Hitting Up an Escort Service?
There are a million and one escort services to choose from. Prices range from $150/hour (she won't look anything like her picture) to $300/hour (she'll look a little bit like her picture) to $600/hour (she'll be the person in her picture, but with bad skin). Beware. Escorts are notoriously awful at being on time, which really just adds to the anticipation and, in turn, the fun. Request an Irish lassie. After all, you're just being festive.
Sell Counterfeit Green Merchandise Downtown
Okay, I've never done this myself, but this guy at the dog park was telling me about how much money he makes selling green knock-off Blackwawks apparel downtown. I guess drunk people + green apparel + highly successful hockey team = easy money.
Anyways, this sounds like a perfect opportunity to get rid of all those clothes in your closet you never wear. Just toss all those old rags you want to part with into a bucket filled with water and green dye....and voilà! A bunch of green clothes you can sell to those suckers downtown. Plus, your closet is cleaned out and you've got a little bit of walking-around cash.
Pretend to Drive Drunk
I've always wondered what a police officer would do if he noticed me driving erratically and pulled me over on the suspicion that I was drunk... but then, SURPRISE! Stone cold sober. I actually haven't a drink in over eight years; I was just playing! My guess is he'd be pretty pleasantly surprised and invite me out for an O'Doul's after his shift. After all, there's a pretty good chance he's in the same dry boat. Statistics show that up to 25% of law enforcement officers have an alcohol or substance abuse problem.
A version of this post originally appeared on secondcity.com.