Vigorous Sex Burns Calories... But Not for You

Surely you've heard that sexual activity counts as exercise. But not just any old sex will do. We're talking vigorous sex.

However, if you were planning to build your new exercise regime around your prodigious lovemaking sessions, first ask yourself these three key questions.

1. When was the last time you actually had truly vigorous sex?
Be honest here. Not only about when it happened last, but about whether it would truly qualify as vigorous. That is, heart-pounding, out-of-breath, sweat-pouring sex. Assuming it took place at some point in this calendar year, you may proceed to the next question...

2. How long did it last?
Seriously now, did the session take as long as an episode of Two and a Half Men? Or was it more like two and a half minutes? If your mad lovemaking lasted about as long as an aerobics class at the gym, you may proceed to the next question...

3. Was there anyone else involved?
I'm not judging. I'm just saying that the idea of intense vigorous sexual activity in this context assumes you're operating with a partner. Good for you, I suppose, if you've gotten to this point in the questionnaire on "auto-pilot." However, you're hard-pressed to burn many calories with solitary viewing of internet porn. And it does nothing to increase your circle of friends.

OK. You've made this far, which means that 1) you have had truly vigorous sex in the recent past; 2) it lasted at least as long as a half-hour TV show; and 3) you were not alone. Well done. Now, one final question...

How often is this happening for you?

Really, for vigorous sex to qualify as legit exercise, you're going to need to be doing it regularly... like three to six times a week.

If you are regularly having intense, long-lasting, cardiovascular sex more than three times a week, congratulations! You win.

If not, get your ass to the gym.

That means you. All of you.