Virginia: Whereas Your Governor Is a Moron...

WHEREAS, April is the month in which the people of Virginia joined the Confederate States of America in a four-year war between the states for independence that concluded at Appomattox Courthouse; and

WHEREAS, Virginia has long recognized her Confederate history, the numerous civil war battlefields that mark every region of the state, the leaders and individuals in the Army, Navy and at home who fought for their homes and communities and Commonwealth in a time very different than ours today, if you know what I mean; and

WHEREAS, there was no way I was going to let my attorney general get all the props for sucking up to the states'-rights and Tea Party folks without trying to grab some of that right-thinking love for myself; and

WHEREAS, in case you hadn't noticed, the president of the national government in Washington is a black person, which has certain people in this Commonwealth as ticked off as I've ever seen them;

WHEREAS, in the most recent presidential election, the Commonwealth of Virginia actually cast its electoral votes for this particular individual, which continues to be a total mystery to me and to everybody I hang out with, because we certainly didn't vote for him; and

WHEREAS, I thought it would be a good idea to demonstrate to the ticked-off people of Virginia that I feel their pain; and

WHEREAS, I didn't think anybody else would notice; and

WHEREAS, I issued an official proclamation declaring April to be Confederate History Month, urging people across this land of ours to remember the great sacrifices made by those who took up the cause of the Confederate States of America before succumbing to the superior industrial and military forces of those hypocrites up north, and, in the meantime, to drop lots of tourist dollars on us; and

WHEREAS, in issuing this proclamation, I made no mention whatsoever of the institution of slavery, and when asked to justify this omission, pointed out that I had chosen to limit to scope of the proclamation to matters that I deemed most historically "significant," and that slavery didn't make the cut; and

WHEREAS, I immediately became a national laughingstock; and

WHEREAS, I don't like being a national laughingstock; and

WHEREAS, I quickly issued an apology for this omission, and an amendment to the original proclamation, which statements said all the "correct" things about slavery being a central cause of the war between the states as well as an evil and inhumane practice and a lasting stain on the soul of Virginia and blah-blah-blah; and

WHEREAS, the apology and the amendment said so many "correct" things about slavery in such a contrite tone that many people were left wondering how I could have failed to take note of these matters in the original proclamation; and

WHEREAS, many of these same people were, accordingly, also left wondering how sincere I was in issuing the apology and the amendment; and

WHEREAS, many of these same people concluded that I was simply trying to save my butt; and

WHEREAS, I admit that the thought did cross my mind on several occasions; and

WHEREAS, sometimes you just do what you have to do;

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Robert McDonnell, governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia, do hereby want the whole darn thing to go away.

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Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at