Ian Kerner will join Esther Perel, Amy Sohn, Leonore Tiefer and Cory Silverberg for a conversation called "Sex in America: Can The Conversation Change?" The symposium is co-sponsored by the Huffington Post and Open Center and will take place in New York City on Friday, February 20th. Click here to register.
As any man who has spent time in the trenches will tell you, the female orgasm is an elusive thing. Like Bigfoot and quality television, we know it's out there; we just don't actually come into contact with the real thing all that often. Understanding female sexuality can be as complicated as Euclidean geometry, and when the final exam is a woman's orgasm most guys fail miserably (we're not graded on a curve).
Why is it so hard for women to achieve orgasm when all a guy needs is a glimpse at the lingerie section of a Sears catalogue? Some evolutionary anthropologists conjecture that the physiological difficulty works like a built-in monogamy device: Because the female orgasm is so tricky to achieve, its mastery requires dedication and patience, an extended "getting to you know" process. This encourages a woman to seek relationships with a guy who can spend the energy and time to familiarize himself with her sexuality.
Unlike the executives at Enron, a woman's orgasm never lies. They tell a woman the truth about a sexual encounter, whether she wants to know it or not. In clinical terms, the female orgasm releases a burst of oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone, which facilitates a sense of attachment. But if there's nothing to attach to, if there's no deeper emotional content or meaningfulness, the orgasm becomes a regretful reminder of the hollowness of the sex that preceded it.
This is called post-orgasm regret, and it typically manifests itself in the form of sadness or anger. Ladies, if you've ever felt a pang of sorrow following a sexually gratifying (i.e., orgasmic) hook-up, it's most likely post-orgasmic regret (though his low thread count sheets may also be a contributing factor).
And what if you're not having orgasms at all? Well then, you may be experiencing post-faking regret - regretting that you helped the jerk get off while you faked it. (But that's a different article altogether). Orgasm or not, be aware that sex results in your body inching toward some emotional connection, even as your brain is saying "What the hell am I doing in bed with this balding, beer-swilling frat boy?"
So are we ultimately moving into an era of "regretful orgasms?" The swinging sixties gave way to the hedonistic seventies, when Erica Jong introduced the "Me Generation" to the "zipless fuck," and sex without guilt became an accepted form of female behavior. Women, it seemed, were finally on top, as well as getting it on with anonymous strangers on trains and in elevators. And where were modern men during all of this? On the sidelines, gleefully embracing this newfound "empowerment," of course. Thanks to the seeds sown by the feminist movement, modern women were earning nearly as much as men by the 1990s, giving them newfound financial independence. Unburdened of the need to find a male provider, women were delaying marriage and enjoying dating as a form of sexual gratification. Enter Sex and The City, which exemplified a new form of empowerment: A woman's ability to have sex like a man.
But, in the end, orgasms don't have to be regretful. Today's woman can do better than having sex "like a man" - she can teach a man how to have sex like a woman: more sensual, more emotionally connected and ultimately on a higher level.
Viva la Vulva!