How To Be A Good Woman, According To Wall Street Journal Op-Eds

The Wall Street Journal's opinion columnists have some very specific ideas about men, women and the way each gender does (and should) look at the world. Upon reviewing recent op-eds featured in WSJ, a certain, painfully retrograde idea of womanhood emerges.

Here are nine rules for being a good lady, according to the likes of Susan Patton and James Taranto (among others):

1. Meet your husband in college. (Because, obviously, all women are straight. And if you have already completed university and don't have a rock on your finger -- or know that your college BF is about to purchase one -- you have failed at life.)

2. Don't speak out when you feel violated by things in your public space, like a terrifying statue of a naked man on your women's college campus.

3. Don't call yourself a feminist. (If you do, you definitely hate mothers, wives, babies and probably kittens, too.)

4. Don't get drunk, so as to avoid rape.

5. Assume that any other woman who accuses a man of sexual assault after imbibing alcohol is lying.

6. Do not dedicate too much time and energy to your career. This will inevitably erase all chances you have at finding true, heterosexual love.

7. Accept that men have an innate "masculine drive for conquest." They might "conquer" you, but it's only natural.

8. Pay more for health care. After all, you might get knocked up one day and that costs dollars.

9. Sympathize with Woody Allen. And the 1 percent.