I created a little poster the other day after reflecting on the secrets of great relationships - of all kinds - in my life!
And as it was Valentine’s Day lsat month and supposedly love was on everyones mind - I started thinking about love and what was happening in all the relationships I have anything to do with!
One of the great myths of romantic relationships is that everything is peaches and cream ALL the time! If they were, you would probably both be ascended masters and had learned all they needed to know! The rest of us humans are still on a steep learning curve of growth and development!
And our life partner (or current life partner) is the best gift we have - they trigger all the personal growth for us by allowing us to see the areas that need changing - or not - if we are not ready! LOL!
There is another ‘thing’ I wanted to add to the list but it was something that underpinned all of them so I will share it with you before you read the list.
It’s GRATITUDE! Great relationships are full of gratitude - instead of needs.
When you have worked through most of your own needs, addressed them and met them (or at least are on the way) then you can focus on how you can help and support your partner to be the best they can be - and not expect them to fill your needs!
We rarely talk out loud about this! No one - repeat - no one else can fill your deepest needs - which usually stem from the fears that usually unconsciously drive us. Only WE can deal with them - others can support us or help us or encourage us but no one can do 'the work' for us.
'The work' is to wake up and be conscious of what is driving you; disappointing you; making you angry; frustrating you; what are you avoiding; what is challenging and difficult and why; why you are not joyful - these are all clues! Have a conversation - with yourself - about what needs your partner is ‘not meeting’ as you see it, and then turn it around - what needs of my own am I not meeting? What fears am I not facing? What behaviours am I not proud of and what is causing them?
(Hint: The 3 core fears that exist in most people - 1 or all of them are 1. I am not worth loving or not good enough; 2. I am unsafe in some way and 3. a fear of death, abandonment or separation. Most have one or two - I had the trifecta!!)
It takes soul searching but then that’s what ‘soul mates’ are all about - helping you do it - whether they know it or not!
My wish for you this week is that you consciously make a decision to do everything you can on that day to love YOURSELF so much that you stop looking to your partner to fill your needs and shower them instead with gratitude, and honour them for who they are, where they are in their lives.
Have conversations where you REALLY listen and be engaged and interested in their answers. You might be surprised at what you learn and how wonderful you feel at the end of the day.
This applies of course to single people currently not in a relationship - there are many other ways we can learn, grow and develop to know ourselves, honour, like and love ourselves. And all this makes for great preparation for a much more fulfilling, truly loving relationship - if that is what you are looking for.
PS. Try this behaviour every day with everyone! Oh and print out the poster and put it where you see it every day as a reminder!
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Amanda Gore is an author, award-winning motivational speaker and joy facilitator. Her philosophy is that Joy is an Inside Job. Finding joy is the secret to more productive, creative, successful and happy humans — at work and home. Amanda is also the director of The Joy Project
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