WANTED: Latino Al Sharpton

As official Latino spokesperson (via unanimous election), many people presume that El Guapo would readily add the role of "Latino Sharpton" to his resumé - a dapper man, with great hair who appears from the ether in a sharp suit to right racially charged wrongs - perceived, legitimate, exaggerated or in-between.

You'd be right to assume that El Guapo would be the best choice, but he does not enjoy crouching behind bushes and waiting for racial improprieties - after all, he has things to do. His chest hair will not oil and curl itself, will it? His lowrider will not lurch rhythmically of its own accord and cruise the barrio.

But this is serious business. There is no adequate level of fear serving as a deterrent, enveloping Latinos in a protective shell. There is a blatant lack of impending public repercussion. No one fears that a Sharpton or a Jesse Jackson will jump out from behind a mailbox and shoot them in the proverbial knee after a racial infraction at any scale and then hold a press conference. The closest thing Latinos have is El Guapo's arch enemy - Edward James Olmos - who, at worst, may simply shake his head disapprovingly from his Beverly Hills rumpus room and brandish a microwave chimichanga at the television screen at news of a proposed Congressional Bill aimed at mandating that landscapers work while wearing proof of citizenship like a Flava-Flav clock. This, not surprisingly, has proven ineffective at deterring insulting, disparaging, and/or flat out racist remarks and deeds aimed squarely at Latinos.

Latinos, due to disproportionately low (and then poor) representation in popular culture, need a public hit man or woman to strike fear into the hearts of the couple who finds it cute to speak to their Chihuahua in a cartoonish Mexican accent and those that say things that they wouldn't possibly consider saying about any other group of people.

For example, a no nonsense message (of the horse-head-in-the-bed-variety) needs to be delivered to the following:

  • Virgil Peck - GOP legislator, advocated shooting undocumented immigrants from helicopters, like "feral pigs."

  • Massachusetts State Representative Ryan Fattman (yep, it's his real name) - explained that undocumented women should fear coming forward if raped.
  • Texas State Senator Chris Harris - scolded a man testifying in Spanish for apparently insulting committee members by simply speaking the language.
  • John McCain made baseless claims that undocumented Mexican immigrants started the largest forest fire in Arizona history.
  • While many of the blatantly racist remarks and attitudes of the past are overwhelmingly recognized as improper, Latinos hold strong as acceptable targets. In the words of the wise Dalai Lama "What the eff's up with that?"

    Considering the current xenophobic fires being set throughout the nation, and the fact the economic climate can easily fan those flames, it is time for the Latino Sharpton to press his/her three-piece suit, perfect his/her look of disgust, and rise from the crowd in order to be reckoned with.

    El Guapo approached Reverend Al and asked him to consider simply calling himself Dominican and suiting up for both teams. We eagerly await his response. In the meantime, we are actively in the hunt and are accepting nominations.

    Your handsome and humble servant-
    El Guapo