Forget the "Seven Year Itch". That's got nothing on "The Mid-life Sex Blues". Whether it's menopause or manopause; mostly it comes down to just plain boredom and a sense of "sexual stuckness". Of course, don't forget the plain stark fear that you will never get your erotic needs met again.
When it comes to love and lust ---finding the key to a happy erotic and emotional life is all about this special love-lust fusion cocktail blend of togetherness and separateness.
I want you to want me but not need me. But I want you to need me and want me but not too much. I want this tender blend of caring, tenderness and passion. I want emotional closeness and I want over the top raw excitement. Got that? Can you fill my order please?
And sometimes, the people that turn us on the most are not the best fit for getting our emotional needs met. What most of us really want is some kind of stimulating magic mix where our urges for security are at odds with our urges for erotic excitement. We need that special sauce that equal the "Erotic Equation" which is Obstacle + Prohibition + Yearning = Desire.
I think it's possible to learn how to have this amazing roller coaster where there is love and passion. Sometimes, it's all about the balance - and when you feel it tipping too much to one side - it may be time to top the scales on the other side. For couples in the beginning stages of relationship - this balance can feel natural. "We are made for each other stage". "We have it all! Love and Lust. For couples who are in more long term relationships, I think it's possible for them to explore new ways to keep the love/lust interaction moving.
Remember The Erotic Equation? What can you do that feels out of reach together and very naughty? What is available today for couples to go out and explore erotically is varied and abundant.
Many times, the special sauce is found in doing something really big together that also allows for space. What many mid-lifers need is this feeling of "sexual amplification" that can be found through a combination of adventure and some kind of group energy.
This can be found at a workshop, retreat or with a private sex coach. When we explore erotic energy in a group setting even with our clothing on and not even directly engaging erotically with other people - we can find that our experiences can be far richer and multi dimensional that if we were exploring alone or with our partner in isolation.
Group workshop experiences can be a transformational and sacred part of sexual healing. And they can be incredibly fun!
It's all depends on what you want and there are sexuality and relationships consultants that can help you find what is right for you. The choices are as varied and endless as the people who are seeking.
Maybe what you need in your life is something full of luxury, adventure and sexuality? Have you ever heard of Passion Suite Club? Or a retreat couple's sexy retreat where you walk around naked? Or how about a cruise where sexual excitement is top on the "to do" list?
Or maybe your style is more private and perhaps your budget smaller? That's available too. The problem is that most of us are too scared to look outside of our own box and we have this belief that "nice, good people don't do this stuff". We may have desires to stretch and adventure erotically and we are frightened of the reaction of our partners. So instead of risking the conversation, we sexually close down, or have affairs or leave each other. There really is a better way.
What's true about group experiences is that even if they open to "swinging", every couple's boundaries are respected. Sometimes, we want the whole buffet and sometimes it's amazing just to watch the buffet and sniff the offerings.
What is true; is that there are many opportunities that are incredibly well run for couples and are a mix of adventure, support plus education. It's important to recognize that we are all on a unique journey, and sometimes there is nothing like a group of diverse people on an adventure together to help us get back to our bodies or rediscover ourselves and each other for the first time.
I believe that there is always the possibility of regaining that first time feeling and leaving the mid life sex blues behind. The cure? Maybe it's time to do the unexpected.