On Tuesday, White House Communications Director Mike Dubke resigned from his position in the midst of, what can only be described as the White House’s complete inability to communicate.
So now the search is on for a new communications director (as well as hundreds of other jobs that have yet to be filled as of the end of April), and HuffPost Comedy has obtained a copy of the official job listing the White House has submitted for the position.
Wanted: White House Communications Director
Yes, that White House! We want you to join our team in a fast-paced toxic environment running the greatest nation on Earth! Think you’ve got what it takes? Prove it! We’re a motley crew from all walks of life. From upper-class white families to upper-middle-class white families, our diversity directs the way we govern this great nation!
Duties and Requirements
- Ability to look at self in the mirror a plus, but not necessary.
- Will be expected to take a shift carrying Oval Office baby monitor.
- At least four years’ experience of on-the-job psychological torture training.
- On-camera experience not necessary, but be aware that perp walks are often televised.
- Must prepare talking points for White House staff to review during morning briefings, recite on news shows, and whisper reflexively to themselves during long, middle-distance stares.
- Will be speaking directly with the president, so must be able to understand English at a rate of 15 words per minute. These may be 15 completely different words.
- We love a go-getter, someone who reaches out and grabs what they want without waiting for permission. Someone who will shoot first and ask to plead the fifth when subpoenaed by Congress later.
- President briefings should be kept to no more than approximately 20 words, using flashy graphics that very clearly show things are either going very well or spectacularly.
- Once a week or so, Steve Bannon will put you in a playful headlock while he conducts his normal business. He’ll say things like, “Ahh, come ‘ere, you!” and “Lemme see that noggin of yours!” He’ll actually drag you around the office and he will not let go, like a vice. Must be comfortable with this.
- When our daily scandal breaks, you’ll need to produce copy that doesn’t defuse the situation in any way. In fact, your statements should raise more questions.
- Willingness to ignore your conscience. Don’t worry, you’ll get better at it while you learn on the job with seasoned professionals who got rid of their conscience decades ago.
- Occasional rides on Air Force 6 with all the heavy hitters of the Department of Agriculture.
- Your own private chamber in which to rock back and forth in the fetal position.
- Trump brand hedges to hide behind should the press want to speak to you.
- Mar-a-Lago membership half price.
- Free Trump steaks. Really, even if you don’t get the job. We just need to get rid of these.
- Free ride on the president’s golden toilet (Air Force No. 2) the day after Taco Tuesdays.
- Degree from accredited university not necessary.
- The last book you read should have been The Art Of The Deal, The Bible or one of those art books with all the nudes.