The War on Christmas Doesn't Exist

Fireworks light up the sky during the inauguration of a giant christmas tree at the Rodrigo de Freitas lagoon in Rio de Janei
Fireworks light up the sky during the inauguration of a giant christmas tree at the Rodrigo de Freitas lagoon in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil on December 1, 2012. AFP PHOTO / ANTONIO SCORZA (Photo credit should read ANTONIO SCORZA/AFP/Getty Images)

It's that magical time of year again, and America is buzzing with that feeling of buying thousands of dollars' worth of crap for their kids who won't even remember it two years later. Then they'll give credit to some fat bearded fellow who covers the Earth in an illogical amount of time. It's Christmastime! Or, if you're an adult, it's that time of the year that makes it impossible to go to store for two months without the general feeling of homicidal rage.

It's also that time for stupid people with ties on to discuss the war on Christmas. Now, to a person who doesn't drink bleach and rub sand in his eyes for pleasure, this entire concept is completely insane. Christmas takes the American public and owns them for a majority of time. Public officials get time off work for a religious holiday because that isn't insane at all. Also, every TV station, radio station and movie channel plays Christmas stuff. If there was a war on Christmas, and there isn't, then it's impossible for anyone to defeat Christmas.

Fox News, probably the only place talking about this as a real thing, is getting angry over it. They're especially getting upset at the atheists. This is where I come in. I'm an atheist. That's right, readers, hide your children. Let me be the voice of atheists and tell you this: I don't care about Christmas. I'm 27 and have outgrown the whole thing. Christmas is basically a rip off of a pagan holiday named Yule, anyway, and that holiday looks fun. There's a lot of drinking and sex.

If anything, this is a war on secularism. If you don't know what that is, it's a separation of church and state. The last thing I want to hear about is some politician talk about God. It scares the hell out of me. A lot of people got freaked out over that kid from Two and a Half Men when he talked about religion (He was right that no one should watch his show. Seriously, stop watching that show). Half of the country sounds like that kid, and it's creepy. Be honest: if you were walking down the street, and some guy came up with the Bible and asked you for 15 minutes of your time to talk about God, you'd look at the time, and then run away like Forrest Gump breaking through those leg braces.

There is no war on Christmas. As I write this on December 4, 2012, Rudolph is on CBS. It's December 4. Why is that on television now? Because there's no war on Christmas. It's a made up thing to scare white people. It's sort of like the war on drugs, but people waste money on crap instead of other crap. Wait, it's the exact same thing.

I celebrate Christmas, and I'm an atheist. Well, I don't celebrate it, I just show up because my family guilt trips me and my dad would get pissed because he would have to suffer through it alone. I figured out when I was 9 years old that Christmas had nothing to do with religion or God. It's about a time when families got together on Christmas Eve because they were obligated to it once a year, drink a lot of alcohol and figure out how they'll get home. Then they have to wake up really early and go to the other side of the family, eat cold breakfast, have nowhere to sit and wish you hadn't quit smoking because you need a cigarette so bad. Oh, and listen to the Glee Christmas album on the ride home? What a great idea! I can't believe I didn't think of that.

None of this even compares to the dumbest part of Christmas, however. I would turn on the television on Christmas night, where most parents have put their children in bed, and I'd watch the late night news. It appears NORAD is tracking Santa. Adults are trying to tell other adults that a person flying on a magical sleigh pulled by reindeer is being tracked by radar. It appears I may be in need of a new television, because this one is getting my foot put through it.