Warm Your Ass

A list of timely tips on getting through winter from a guy who's decided this season is unworthy, inhumane, and already too long.

1. Forget layers. Just pretend it is warm--fake it. Walk outside proudly and stupidly. Coats to Americans are like umbrellas to the British!

2. Get a really good flight deal and get out of there. You can even go to, ah, Virginia. Just use Weather.com and fly Southwest (which is now taking us cheaply away from several new airports).

3. The Oval Office thermostat is set to 72 degrees. All this talk about conservation is out the window.

4. P.S. Al Gore lives in California now.

5. Buy Flowers. I'm not sure why but having them everywhere makes even cold days warm. (Is this an ad for Teleflora? Is the check in mail? Costco should feed me because I spend a lot of money on insanely cheap flowers there and that's a plug.)

6. Complain more. Yeah right. Use that energy, momma.

7. Go to (and bookmark/favorite) Hawaii Tourism Board sites. Get your fill of the sights and sounds via the soft glow of your LCD screen. This is good, because Maui is too damn far. (Do you know the isles are seven hours in the air from LA?)

8. Stay Fat. It is more than an excuse. I can sure believe it's butter in the winter...

9. Buy some amazing cure-alls. I found at an airport a product dubbed "WORLD'S SOFTEST SOCKS." I have to say they're cuddly and don't complain like human socks do.

10. When some freak calls from Florida say "Wow, we're having a heat wave!" Bitch about the unseemliness of it. They're probably coming in from some rain storm or tornado.

11. Under no circumstances should you leave your home on a Sunday morning. It's always colder when people are in church. (Go to church in summer, you sin more then anyway.)

12. Three people in your bed. (Each must be told this is temporary and each is sold separately.)

13. Snuggies at work? Well, golly, isn't it time someone came up with that perk?

14. Type faster. Swear you will stop thinking about the cold. Typing is warming™.

15. Learn something the LA Times called the biggest wives tale ever: Hats do not help; in fact you can lose all that heat from your head and not get sick. Sorry, Aretha! I love you, but most hats make us believe you're bald. (Go for the ear warmers instead.)

16. Humidify. Yes it helps, so do what Grandma did and simply boil water on a tea kettle and let the steam go wild. Sharper Image humidi-machines can stay unbought.

17. Drink COLD drinks, which make your system all warm/fuzzy. The heated cups are only temporarily helpful. I know. Because I pee a lot.

18. Send me money. No, no wait--that's another list. My final tip is to remember that there are seven warm months in New York on average and what we're suffering through - groundhog be damned - is a fluke, temporary and unworthy. What doesn't kill you will piss you off.

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