Not long ago I went to get a Brazilian wax. (For the uninitiated, imagine a bikini wax, but with no bikini.) There were a few truly eye-watering moments, but overall, I like the results (if not the process).
But as I was lying there on the waxing table, legs akimbo, I got to thinking. Why does Brazil rate its own wax? Is it like a national anthem or a state bird? Do other countries and groups have their own waxes too? (Hey, anything is better than thinking about what's happening to your girly bits.)
Herewith is a list, plucked from my own imagination and ripped off from friends (yes, drinking was involved):
- American Wax -- It took eight years, but we finally got rid of our bush.
- Norwegian Wax -- Plenty of forest but you can see the fjords.
- Government Shutdown Wax -- Two words: fur low.
- Al Qaeda Wax -- Video tape of your torture session sent to Al Jazeera.
- Tea Party Wax -- Wants lower waxes. Pulls painfully hard to the right, but should leave you with no coverage.
- Nigerian Wax -- A deposed prince will do your waxing, but you have to send him your bank details first.
- Ted Cruz Wax -- A (expletive deleted) is revealed, but only after 24 hours of agonized hair pulling.
- Obamacare Wax -- May leave you with spotty coverage, but at least it's affordable.
- Canadian Wax -- It's free but you have to wait three years for an appointment.
- PETA Wax -- If you touch so much as a single hair on your furry companion they'll throw red paint on your crotch.
- Australian Wax -- Down under, the wax goes the other way.
- Wall Street Wax -- Get ripped off without even leaving home.
- NRA Wax -- Wax doesn't rip pubes. People rip pubes. (And you can have my pubes when you pull them from my cold, dead wax strip.)
- Japanese Bonsai Wax -- Keep waxing small amounts until you have a perfect miniature bush.
- Wikileaks Wax -- Scandalously reveals more than you even thought possible.
Got ideas for more? Bare them in comments down below.
And finally, here is the Brazilian Wax Song (iTunes link):
Brazilian Wax Lyrics © Eva Moon
Even after all this time same old recipe's mighty fine
But no matter how you slice it up, sometimes you just gotta spice it up
I know you're ready for something new, so baby, here's a surprise for you
Brazilian wax, it's so hip, Brazilian wax, let her rip
Brazilian wax, ain't no bluff, Brazilian wax, lost the muff
I wasn't sure I could stand the pain. But I knew we had a lot to gain.
Baby you know it was worth the cost just to lose nature's dental floss
When you touch me it's such a rush since I weed-whacked the underbrush
Brazilian wax, feeling smug, Brazilian wax, cut the rug
Brazilian wax, makin' sure, Brazilian wax, no more fur
Day after day love can lose its thrill. We learned a lesson from Brazil
Wax it or shave it or even tweeze. Clear-cut the jungle of all the trees
If your lover just needs a push, go for the bird and forget the bush
Brazilian wax, where's the beard, Brazilian wax, disappeared
Brazilian wax, for the barest, Brazilian wax, mons veneris
Brazilian wax, look out below, Brazilian wax, pendejo...