I've been struggling to find the right words for this post.
I still don't think I have them.
But when I heard this week that Linkin Park's lead singer Chester Bennington took his own life, I knew I needed to try.
I didn't grow up listening to Linkin Park, but I have enjoyed them most of my adult life.
Chester was 41.
I'm 41.
Chester was a father and is leaving behind his children.
I am a mother and I have one child who is the center of my universe.
I don't feel that different from him in many ways. I can imagine his pain...and yet I cannot.
A few weeks ago I got my fourth tattoo. That's it, here on my foot in this picture (sorry for the foot shot...). I was deliberate in my choice here, as I have been with each of the others.
The lotus flower is associated with purity and beauty, but more for me, with strength and resilience --- it blooms from the bottom of a murky pond, grounded and pushed up by its own stalk...against all odds.
My life has been easy in a lot of ways, I've been fortunate. But I've also weathered a lot of silent storms, struggled with things that only my closest family and friends have been aware of. I've hit rock bottom and some parts of that I've talked about very publicly and other parts, again, only those closest to me know the pain I've suffered. Some of those things I'm still not ready to talk about.
I got this tattoo partially because I need the reminder of my ability for this resilience, this strength. It reminds me of my journey back/into my faithfulness. It reminds me that every day is a new chance, a rebirth.
The semicolon at the heart of the lotus flower reminds me that my story is not over. Every day I see this, I am reminded of this message - that there is more to come, more to live for. It's on my foot, the part of my body that keeps me grounded in the reality of life -- a life that is difficult and imperfect but beautiful and worth it.
If you've been following me at all, you know I've struggled with anxiety and depression. It's been a very real struggle. I've talked about that publicly, yes, but not really in a lot of detail. That's one of those issues that I'm still not fully ready and able to share. What I can say is that there have been times when I could not see past the fog into the promise of the next day.
That's a scary fucking place to be in.
Anxiety is frustrating because it manifests in so many different ways in so many different people. It makes you feel like you are losing control and a lot of times it makes social situations, even ones you are looking forward to, some of the scariest things around.
Depression, with or without that anxiety, is a disease that makes you question the very reality of the world around you and your place in it. It makes you (or me anyway) feel like you are worthless, a disappointment, and that life for you and everyone else would be easier (yes, these are the thoughts that creep in..) without you around.
You may sit there and say "that doesn't make sense" --- and you'd be right. It doesn't -- and yet, it does. It's not that anyone who has suffered with anxiety or depression WANTS to think these things. The chemical imbalance is to blame for this illness --- no matter "how much we have to be happy about", these feelings and ideas poke in without our knowing it.
The scariest part is that we aren't talking about it - we feel badly about how we feel and we keep it in. We are embarrassed or ashamed. We don't want to "be a burden" or we think "nobody gets it". We too often remain silent.
Enough is enough.
I am fortunate. I now see through the fog regularly and when I can't, I have family and friends who help me clear even the most dense fog.
Not everyone feels they have that, even when they do, even when they are surrounded by the most loving and caring people. I will never know what has allowed me to see through the fog while others can't. The only thing I can do - any of us can do - is to talk about this more...
More often. More loudly. More.
;
If you are reading this, just know that your story is not over. If you are reading this, know that there are people who do know how you feel. If you are reading this, just know that you are not alone.
If you are reading this and if you need help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or go to www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org and Click to Chat
#motherhood #faceofanxiety #projectsemicolon #mentalhealthawareness #depression #anxiety #yourstoryisnotover #stopthestigma