Hey, girl. Have a seat.
By now, you may have already heard rumors around the water cooler or received some indefinite rumblings on social media, but in case you hadn't been notified, we wanted to do so personally.
Ryan Gosling, 35, and actress Eva Mendes, 42, are expecting their second child. Yes, we're very sorry ... Ryan Gosling has once again procreated without you.
No, please, take your time. Here's a tissue. The wound is still fresh. I mean, it hasn't been that long -- only 19 months -- since they welcomed their first child, daughter Esmeralda Amada, into the world.
Oh, sorry to bring that up.
You're right, though, it's almost too beautiful a name for a little girl, like salt in your wound. A wound created by someone else having sex with Ryan Gosling, and not you.
Well, we won't talk about the amazing names they'll be thinking up for their second child. Because this is a tough time for you. Now is a time for healing.
And your soul's probably feeling a little barren right now. Not like Eva Mendes, who appears to be the opposite of barren, ripe with Ryan Gosling fruit, amirite?!
Sorry. Too soon.
Listen, you're going to get through this. I mean, you did once before, remember? Those were dark days.
And there are probably darker days to come, because if we've proven anything here today, it's this: Ryan Gosling can and likely will have many, many babies.
Without you. Sorry.