When sexual misconduct is witnessed, believed, and those involved are held accountable, the world becomes a safer place for everyone. When the person or people causing harm can be evaluated fairly and offered reasonable consequences and effective treatment, the possibility of genuine recovery begins. And when that recovery takes hold from the inside, motivating from within, that's when we have true healing potential. And THAT'S what the community needs.
Most relevant in my mind to the ongoing stories of Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein, besides the fact they both reportedly entered rehabilitation for sex addiction, is the growing global awareness about the nature of sexual misconduct and its possible link to an underlying disease process that requires treatment and - I believe in most cases - can get better.
For years we have heard about Weiner's sexual scandals, apologies, and repeat misconduct; but now we read reports of his entering inpatient treatment for sex addiction, being held legally accountable, and claiming personal responsibility for his actions. Though I can't attest to the sincerity behind his words, people in recovery from addiction will recognize the tone of amends in Weiner's statement before Judge Denise L. Cote in Manhattan at his sentencing (he was given 21 months in prison) for sending sexual texts to a 15 year-old-girl:
“I acted not only unlawfully but immorally, and if I had done the right thing, I would not be standing before you today. I was a very sick man for a very long time. I’ve had a disease but I have no excuse,” he continued. “I accept complete and total responsibility for my crime. I was the adult.” FULL STORY HERE
That's what people in recovery do - get sober, clean house, and take ownership of the harms we have caused. And eventually, go on to help others do the same. The course of Harvey Weinstein's future remains uncertain, but as a result of widespread reports of his abuses, millions of people have taken the opportunity to share in solidarity with his victims about their own experiences of sexual harassment, assault, or other sexual abuse by posting #MeToo on social media pages. More people are sharing and learning about the complexities of sexual offending dynamics. Led by the bravery of women speaking out, #MeToo has spread out to all genders on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media, often including summaries of their painful experiences. Notable responses to this phenomena include #IHearYou and #IBelieveYou - key phrases to validate the worthiness of the person sharing their truth, and the #ItWasMe and #IHave responses, where those who have perpetrated sexual harm admit it. Like Weiner, this stepping up to take accountability demonstrates a new force in a culture that has formerly defined itself by gaslighting and "JADE" responses to abuse allegations, notably galvanized by the repetitive cowardice of U.S. President Donald Trump: J = Justify A = Argue D = Defend E = Explain Away
What a change from that denial paradigm to see Facebook posts like THIS ONE, by Zach Pallin:
"I was "that guy" who would undermine the claims of survivors. I was emotionally abusive to my partners. I was light-hearted about the consequences of rape. I was the guy who is disagreeing with you on facebook right now.
I didn't change because I'm smart. I didn't change because I'm a nice guy. I didn't change because I am a "liberal". I didn't change because I know survivors.
I changed because people spoke out. I changed because I was proven wrong. I changed because I was challenged to learn. I changed because all of my friends changed.
Most importantly, I changed because of your persistence.
Please keep talking about this. Please keep being open about it.
And for the survivors, I know how hard it is for so many of you to open up about your survival, so thank you very much for everything. Thank you for making me become a better person. I didn't deserve your persistence, and for that I am grateful.
And if you're someone like me who has transgressed in this way too, and if you have realized the error in your ways, join me in speaking out about it. We cannot absolve ourselves of our guilt, but we can ease the burden others carry if they can see we are cognizant of our actions." #itwasme #ihearyou
Yes I believe we are in the midst of a new sexual revolution - may it spread far and wide! I predict much, much more goodness to come. The restoration to honor of one is the restoration of honor to all.
***Staci is the author of Naked in Public: A Memoir of Recovery From Sex Addiction and Other Temporary Insanities, her personal story of overcoming sex and love addiction - including sexually objectifying herself and others. More information at www.stacisprout.com. Sign up for a monthly newsletter with hopeful news about sex addiction and recovery here.