The holiday season is a weird time in the best possible way.
Only at Christmas is it socially acceptable to wear hideously itchy garish sweaters in public.
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Only at Christmas is it OK for even the most rational person to unquestioningly accept stories involving things like sentient snowmen and flying reindeer, and two parents who gladly let some 10-year-old bash a drum just minutes after giving birth.
And, we humble-braggedly submit, only at Christmas do you have the joy of seeing the weirdest gifts available via our annual weird Christmas gift guide.
It’s our gift to you. (Special note: This gift is non-returnable.)
Kenny G Saxy Christmas Sweater
Each year, we think Christmas sweaters can't get any uglier -- and then Kenny G comes along. Glorious. Simply glorious.
Pet Sunglasses
TheApolloBox.com
Sure, you probably think your cat is cool, but these sunglasses will make it obvious to everyone else. The best part of this stylish non-prescription animal eyewear is how easy it is to put on your cat's face. Yes, your animal won't fight you when you put these glasses on his or her face one bit. (Editor's note: Yes, they will.)
Mr. Spock Baby Bunting
Parenthood, not space, is the true final frontier. But you don't have to worry about the little nipper getting cold with this baby bunting designed after "Star Trek" character Mr. Spock. To make your baby wear anything else is highly illogical.
Santa Is Fake News
This ugly Christmas sweater of Jesus may be the most universally loved sweater we've ever seen. A photo posted on Instagram received likes from atheists as well as believers. Sorry if your goal is to offend.
Chewbacca Face Mask
This Chewbacca Face Mask just might be the only facial treatment worth doing while you're watching "Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker." (Like the use of "just might be" as a qualifier? I did too!)
Carving Knife That Looks Like A Chainsaw
Need a cutting-edge way to carve a turkey? Get one shaped like a chainsaw! Later on, the kids can use it to act out "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Everyone wins! (Just kidding.)
Star Wars Death Star Toaster
Thank you George Lucas. Not only for creating "Star Wars," but for setting a precedent early on that the franchise would eventually be available on every appliance. I give you the Death Star toaster.
Daddy Claus Christmas Robe
What does Santa wear after he's delivered all the toys to kids and wants to have a mellow evening with Mrs. Claus? I'm certain he wears this groovy robe. I mean, look at the guy in the photo. Who wouldn't want to be like him?
Dinosaur Planters
Folks nostalgic for the good old times -- like the Jurassic period -- will certainly appreciate these planters. They'll turn your house or yard into a setting for yet another sequel of "The Land Before Time."
Menorah Bong
Hanukkah only lasts for eight crazy nights. But you can keep the fun going all year long with this eight-bowl menorah bong. Of course, if you're willing to spend $400 on a bong, you may already be too stoned to really appreciate this product.
Renaissance Portraits Of Your Pet
Your grandma's parrot is a lot more regal than a mere iPhone pic can ever fully convey. Why not take a photo of the bird and have it turned into a portrait done in the style of Rembrandt or da Vinci? Your pet won't care, but you will probably impress people at the Renaissance fair or Colonial Williamsburg.
Kevin Malone Broccoli Clock
In a world where everything is expressed in digital time, skills like being able to read a traditional analog clock have fallen by the wayside. However, fans of "The Office" are sure to make time to learn when they see this clock featuring character Kevin Malone eating broccoli throughout the day.
Popeye's Spicy Chicken Sandwich Christmas Sweater
UglyChristmasSweater.com
Here's some food for thought: If you can't get one of those spicy chicken sandwiches from Popeye's, you could do worse than getting the ugly Christmas sweater version of it. Don't try and eat it: It doesn't taste as good. It just doesn't.
Laptop Scratch Pad
Does your cat spend too much time on your computer? Sucks, doesn't it? But you can reclaim your computer by giving kitty a laptop of their own. No, the screen doesn't work. And the mouse is actually a toy mouse. And the keyboard is a scratch pad. But if your cat doesn't like it, just threaten to get some of the cat sunglasses above.
Donald Trump Sweater With Real Fake Hair
There are lots of ways Christmas sweaters can be "ugly." Adding fake orange hair to a caricature of the president is a valid way.
Unicorn Squirrel Feeder
Squirrels get hungry and people get bored. This unicorn squirrel feeder solves both problems. The squirrels get their food and the bored people get something to chuckle between "I'm bored" rants. Everyone wins.
Matching Nutcracker Undies
Some couples wear matching Christmas sweaters around the holidays. Others get kinkier and wear matching nutcracker undies. You do you.
Michael Scott That's What She Said Sweater
Fans of "The Office" will appreciate this sweater that turns a tired phrase from Michael Scott into a bold new ugly sweater! If you wear it to your actual office, you're sure to get lots of comments -- especially from HR.
Sisyphus Toilet Paper Shelf
AnimicUSA.com
It's an inarguable point: Most toilet paper storage shelves are woefully lacking when it comes to paying tribute to Greek mythology (spend a few hours at Ikea if you don't believe me). Thank Zeus for this Sisyphus Toilet Paper Shelf, which reenacts a classic myth using rolls of modern-day toilet paper. Appreciating the classics this way will leave you flushed.
Bob Ross Coffee Mug
Bob Ross' mellow calm personality is perfect for people who are grouches before they have their morning coffee. And this mug will allow java drinkers to enjoy a few "happy clouds" while they get their needed caffeine fix.
Human Santapede
A sweater of Santas with their mouths sewed onto each other's butts: Now that's what I call an ugly Christmas sweater! And next year's big holiday movie?
Umali Game From Philippines
Umali is a sport in the Phillippines that is akin to tetherball, bowling or croquet -- except the ball you're smacking around is strapped to your waist and is directed by shaking your crotch around. Depending on your comfort level and local community standards, you may or may not want to do this in a public park.
Inflatable Dallas Cowboys Mascot
NFLShop.com
Sure, Santa inflatables are fun, but they're really only appropriate for a month out of each year. This inflatable Dallas Cowboys mascot can stay on your lawn from August to the time they inevitably get eliminated from the playoffs. Your neighbors will love your enthusiasm, especially if you live outside of Texas and near a major metropolitan area with a different NFL team. (Special note to Philadelphians: Don't.)
Burrito Blanket
Sandwiches? Great! Burgers? Love them! Hot dogs? Bring them on! But the truth is, no food product other than the tortilla lends itself to being turned into a blanket. You'll feel warmer than a hot tamale in its husk when you rest under this burrito blanket.
Santa Poops Down Chimney Sweater
This sweater that shows Santa Claus dropping a duece into someone's chimney is proof that it's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas. It comes with some Poo-Pourri anti-stink spray that fits in a pouch near Santa's rump, so you know it's classy.
Walking Dead Whiskey
Whiskey kills brain cells, which makes it the perfect drink for zombies. This branded product proves it's better to be the "Walking Dead" than a drunk driver.
Nachosaurus
It is absolutely an unproven fact of science that chips and fries taste better when eaten off of a dinosaur platter. Sure looks good, though.
Santa Clothes Doll
Advent calendars are a fun way to get ready for Christmas, but the Santa Clothes Doll dresses up the tradition in a new way. Starting on the 12th day before Christmas, you're supposed to put a different item of clothing on Santa until he's ready to deliver the toys. Of course, the image of Santa walking around the toy shop in his underwear is something you can't see. Sorry about that.
Paper Airplane Wall Hangers
Wall hangers are boring, you say? Well, what if they look like paper airplanes stuck in a wall? This is no fly-by-night wall decoration.
Jammies With Butt Puns On The Back Hatch
On cold winter nights, a flap on the back of PJs can be comforting when you have to answer nature's call. And when that back hatch has cheesy rump puns? Priceless.
Cannabis Root Beer
KeefBrands.com
Some people like to have egg nog around the holidays. Others like mulled wine. But for a growing number of people in states where cannabis is legal, people are rooting for THC-laced root beer. You'll be higher on the holidays like never before.
Christmas Ornaments That Fold Flat
Not everyone has huge amounts of storage to keep Christmas ornaments year-round. That makes these foldable ornaments a clever adaptation. Rather than store these in a chest, they can all fit, when folded, into a Manila envelope. The weirdest part may be explaining all this to the recipient.
Carpool Karaoke Mic
Yes, singing in the car is still free for the most part, but isn't it more fun when you're holding a Bluetooth mic that allows your voice to come through the same car speakers as your radio? You don't have to answer that -- it's a rhetorical question and I can't really hear you anyway.
Robotic Bassinet
Robots are literally invading everywhere -- including the nursery. This robotic bassinet gently rocks the baby to sleep and adjusts movements throughout the night to keep the kid slumbering. Of course, it's just the next step of the eventual robot takeover, as this wonderful device will undoubtedly steal jobs from non-robotic bassinets.
Ashtray With Cleaning Spike
The legalization of cannabis has created a need for new products like this one: an ashtray designed for pot pipes. Rather than cleaning a glass pipe by banging it against a hard surface, the Poke A Bowl has a built-in cleaning spike. Thanks again, technology!
Device That Connects Your Wallet To Your Phone
A misplaced wallet is one of life's most annoying problems. So is a lost phone. The Ekster reduces that hassle by allowing people to see the wallet's location on the phone. Even better: The wallet lets people find their misplaced phone. Thanks again technology! Of course, there's always the possibility you could lose both the phone and the wallet with the Ekster in it, so maybe buy another one as a contingency?
Tiny Baking Kit
Smart Lab Toys
If you know someone who wants to do a little baking, it's best to get them a tiny baking set. It just is.
Cannabis Chocolate
Sorry, but the typical candy found in Christmas stockings lacks a certain punch. For the adults in your family, maybe give them a special treat with a bar of cannabis dark chocolate, if it's legal where you live. They'll be buzzing about it through New Year's.
Testie Towels
It's not typically mentioned in most literature about Christmas, but soggy body parts can really ruin one's enjoyment of the holiday. For men, they can ensure their privates get properly dried after a shower with the Testie Towel. Don't worry: There are other styles besides the holiday one featured here, but none as ... nutty?
3Doodler
The3Doodler.com
Put it this way: You can make a lot of weird stuff with a 3D pen, if you really think about it. Hopefully, none of your ideas are of a criminal nature, because that's just not the holiday spirit.
