Having a one-of-a-kind love affair is a great thing ― except where Valentine’s Day is concerned.
The holiday’s focus on generic gifts like cards, flowers and candy forces everyone into a romantic box where one size is expected to fit all.
Considering that your love is such a unique person ― OK, weirdo ― being required to pick the same ordinary gifts can be confining.
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Well, confine yourself no more! HuffPost Weird News has compiled a list of gifts sure to make the heart of even the weirdest person palpitate with excitement. Some are definitely NSFW.
Whether it’s a one-pound chocolate lobster, a booby-shaped pillow or a baloney face mask, your Valentine will sure get a “heart on” for all these products.
Box Of Chocolates Costume
Forrest Gump once said that life is like a box of chocolates because you'll never know what you'll get. However, if your Valentine wears this chocolate box costume in front of you, you are probably going to get lucky.
Baloney Face Mask
Of course, you want to look your best for your Valentine. And, of course, that may mean wearing a face mask made of baloney. Or not.
Chocolate Lobster
No one can be crabby when they get a one-pound chocolate lobster for Valentine's Day.
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Splashes Heart-Shaped Eyelash Thingies
Feel like lashing out at your Valentine? Well, the safest way to do that may be with these heart-shaped eyelash jewels.
Pink Ghostface Doll
Trying to scare up a little loving? How about this cute little stuffed doll of Ghost Face from "Scream"? The doll's face is pink, so you know it's gotta be romantic.
Rose Petal Pre-Roll
Hardest part about dating a stoner on Valentine's Day? Figuring whether to give them roses or weird. This pre-roll made from rose petals will allow you to spilff, er, split the difference.
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Light-Up Butt Plug
Putting something shiny in a place where the sun don't shine might seem counterintuitive, but this light-up butt plug might be able to double as a flashlight if you drop something in the middle of the night.
Red Rose Costume
Sure, you can give your Valentine roses or you can BE the rose. (The choice is yours. I'm agnostic on this).
Cocktail-Flavored Jelly Beans
Liquor and candy are both popular V-Day gifts, but if you're having trouble choosing, cocktail-flavored jelly beans may be the perfect choice.
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Sexy Shower Art
When your Valentine sees this lovely piece of art in their shower, they will have one glorious thought: "Thank God, they didn't give me an fucking NFT."
I Only Have Eyes For You Ugly Valentine's Day Sweater
Ugly sweaters aren't just for Christmas anymore. In fact, this "lovely" ugly Valentine's sweater would double for Halloween as well.
Dildo Sword
Looking for the perfect gift for that Valentine who still isn't over the end of "Game Of Thrones"? This dildo sword will certainly arouse their interest.
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Book Of Your Old Text Messages
Love letters just aren't the same now that people are texting each other all the time. However, the Keepster allows a loving couple to save all those heartfelt messages of amore, like "LOL," "TTYL" and, of course, "Send nudes."
Sexy(?) Tongue Scraper
Your Valentine may take your breath away, but it will be a lot fresher if they don't have a mouth full of bacteria. Hence, the loving gift of a tongue scraper.
Attachment That Turns Bath Faucet Into Sex Toy
There are times when you might not be able to be there for your Valentine. When that happens, there's the "WaterSlyde," a technological marvel that turns a bath faucet into a sex toy. Brings new meaning to the term "getting wet."
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Vulva Candle
A vulva-shaped candle is a hot Valentine's Day gift. How so? Well, maybe it can be used as a visual aid for clueless guys?
Cannabis Leaf Waffle Iron
You probably knew breakfast in bed is a great V-Day gift, but were you aware that waffles taste even better when shaped like marijuana leaves? (Note: The preceding sentence is not backed by anything that might be considered "factual evidence.")
Booby Pillow
Keeping abreast of the latest trends in bedding isn't always the most titillating activity, but this booby pillow should soften the heart of even the grumpiest Valentine.
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Puppy Panties
Is your Valentine doggedly pursuing you? What a surprise when they finally get intimate and see you wearing a pair of panties featuring the face of a black lab.
"Any particular reason?" your Valentine might ask.
"Oh, just an icebreaker," you will inevitably reply.
"Any particular reason?" your Valentine might ask.
"Oh, just an icebreaker," you will inevitably reply.
Fuckit Bucket Necklace
Nothing says "loving Valentine's Day gift" than a "fuckit bucket necklace." Yes, this is the hill I will die on. Thanks for asking.
CMY Cubes
People like flowers because of the bright colors, but they fade so quickly. What to do? Well, the CMY Cube has all the colors of flowers in a plastic square that will last long after the petals fall off all those bouquets sold on Valentine's Day.
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Vajayjay Onesie
How can a guy show he's an ally to women? Well, a onesie featuring a vagina pattern is definitely a choice.
Matching Whipped Cream Thong And Hammock Pouch Undies
Whipped cream and sex sounds good in theory, but dairy topping loses its appeal after a few minutes. You can get all the thrills with none of the clean-up by wearing a whipped cream hammock pouch or thong.
Britney Amber Interactive Stroking Device
Buying sex toys for a Valentine can get touchy, but this "interactive stroking device" endorsed by porn star Britney Amber is reportedly perfect for the person who, according to the web page, likes "nubby, bumpy, massaging patterns." Of course, that means being aware of your Valentine's favorite "nubby, bumpy, massaging patterns," and not everyone is ready to have that conversation.
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Care Bear Ugly Valentine's Sweater
If your Valentine happily wears an ugly sweater featuring a Care Bear, they will probably do anything for you. I mean, anything.
Personalized Pencils That Can Also Be Planted
Yeah, you could give your Valentine flowers, but have you ever tried to write a grocery list with a tulip stem? Doesn't work. That's not a problem with this bouquet of Sproutworld pencils — and when the pencils are down to the nub, you can plant them and get a little bit of greenery in the house.
Really Expensive Butt Plug That Could Double As A Postmodern X-mas Tree In A Pinch
This really expensive butt plug is not just a sexy gift for Valentine's Day, but it can double as a post-modern Christmas tree 11 months from now.
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Vulgar Valentine's Day Cookies
Studies show that people who swear are more honest, so what could be more sincere than Valentine's Day cookies with foulmouthed messages?
Motorbunny Sex Toy
Sure, $1,000 for a sex toy might seem extreme to some, but, look at the bright side, it can also double as a hat rack.
Mixology And Murder Cocktail Recipe Book
If your lover is a true-crime fanatic, they will be dying to try all the different cocktails in this book that were inspired by shocking murders, cold cases and secretive cults. The victims may be dead, but romance obviously isn't.
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