Christmas is typically a joyous time of year ― except when it’s time to shop for the weirdos in your life.
Weirdos are hard to shop for ― most of the stuff they desire can seem bizarre, wacky or downright kooky to more normal types.
Shopping for a weird person seems strange, but it doesn’t have to be daunting. Not with HuffPost Weird News.
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Here are 34 bizarre gifts that are sure to please the kooks in your life no matter who they are.
Trust us: When it comes to weirdos, we know what we’re talking about.
Tipsy Elf Costume
Drink a little too much at your Christmas party? Let one of Santa's elves carry you home. Actually, if you wear this to the party, you've probably already drank too much.
Flame Thrower
For the person who has everything: A flame thrower to burn up those items. Yes, there's no better way to heat up those cold winter nights than your own personal flame thrower. It certainly adds a new aspect to outdoor grilling. Amazingly, you are legally to purchase flamethrowers under federal law, according to The Fiscal Times. Forty states have no laws against owning the weapon and possession is only a misdemeanor in states like California where they are restricted.
Modern Nativity
Finally, a nativity scene that reflects the modern world we live in. This "modern nativity" features Joseph and Mary taking a selfie with Baby Jesus while a shepherd posts the magical birth online. Oh, and those three wise men? Now they're Amazon delivery guys on Segways. Tradition be damned.
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Christmas Car Tree
Some people are really into Christmas, so much so they are willing to drive around with a Christmas tree strapped on their car. It actually lights up thanks to a plug-in that goes into the cigarette lighter. I just wouldn't put the presents under this tree.
Greyson Baby Doll
Parenthood doesn't have to be alienating. Not with an E.T. doll designed to look like one of the gray aliens that supposedly crashed in Roswell, New Mexico, back in 1947. It's cute. It's cuddly. It's kinda creepy, but not anatomically correct (unless aliens don't actually poop).
Vladimir Putin Scratching Post
If Donald Trump can scratch Vladimir Putin's back, why can't your cat scratch everywhere else. Yes, all cats will be rushin' to use this scratching post of the Russian dictator, even though others would rather scratch his eyes out.
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Baby's 1st Festivus Bodysuit
Finally, a baby outfit for the rest of us. "Seinfeld" fans are sure to appreciate this stylish "Festivus" outfit for babies. Of course, considering the way they cry, you may not want to them to participate in the feats of strength or airing of grievances.
Inflatable Darth Vader
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a guy named George Lucas decided to let his "Star Wars" characters be merchandised in any way possible. Nearly 40 years later, we have this 16-foot inflatable Darth Vader holding a candy cane. "Luke, I am your cash cow."
Beard Bib
Some weird gifts are actually weirdly useful, such as the Beard Bib. Hook it to a mirror with suction cup and it will catch all the facial hair before it gets stuck on the sink. I assume it could also work for vomit, spittle, last night's dinner and other things you don't want in the sink, but that's a little gross to think about.
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Moose Foot Rest
After a hard day, there is nothing like resting your feet on a moose-shaped Ottoman. And there is probably nothing in your house that matches a moose-shaped Ottoman. Just a warning: If you get this for Christmas, your kids will never let you get rid of it.
Donut Mug
It's a "hole" new way of enjoying coffee and donuts. The Donut Mug comes with a special compartment under the mug that holds a reasonably sized donut so you can use your other hand for more important tasks -- like picking out another donut. Sadly, technology has not advanced enough to make a donut mug capable of holding a cruller or a bear claw. Science marches on.
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Green Cthulhu Ski Mask
A Cthulhu is a fictional monster created by author H.P. Lovecraft that has been lovingly crafted into this green ski mask. Don't be surprised if people mistake you for Zoidberg on "Futurama" or if they just stay away from you entirely.
Mini Flame Thrower
This Mini Flame Thrower is a wonderful gift for aspiring pyromaniacs. Don't worry: The flash paper used in the device burns quickly -- it's just for magic tricks, people. Don't use it around the Christmas tree, or in the house, or at the gas station, or pretty much anywhere else.
Giant Mangetic Car Bandage
This bandage-shaped magnet is designed to fit over car dents. Of course, it also calls attention to the dents. And if you park your car in a place where there are car thieves who are also fans of weird gifts, you're likely to be ordering lots of replacement car bandages.
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Teeth Cup
This cup really bites! But not in a bad way. The Teeth Cup is a standard tea cup except the top is surrounded by molars, bicuspids and canines. It's sure to bring a smile to the dental hygeinist or creepy goth in your life.
Bouncy Bands
Does your kid have a lot of nervous energy in class? Help him or her relieve some of it with Bouncy Bands. They attach to school desks so that kids can bounce their feet compulsively while waiting for the bell to ring. Plastic support pipes keep the bands from slipping down to the floor. The manufacturer claims this product works quietly but he doesn't know my kids -- or yours!
SneakGuard
Santa knows that sometimes the best gifts are for things you want to hide -- like your weed. The SneakGuard is a sinsemilla safe designed to protect marijuana from mold, theft or humidity. You'd have to be a dope not to want one (see how we did that?).
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Toilet Shot Glasses
Drink more than a few shots and your head ends up in the toilet. So why not start there as well? These toilet-shaped shot glasses are sure to get partygoers flushed with excitement.
Crazy Cat Lady Tree Ornament
Crazy Cat Ladies: They're in your neighborhood, probably in your family and definitely in your hair if you share a laundry room. Now they can be on your Christmas tree with this Crazy Cat Lady Tree Ornament. All the joys of a real Crazy Cat Lady without the faint smell of feline urine. One tip: If you have a real cat lady visiting your house, put this ornament in the back of the tree just to be safe. You don't want to offend a crazy cat lady -- ever!
Cat Unicorn Shower Curtain
Some products defy any explanation as to how they were created. Was there a marketing meeting? "We're not meeting the needs of people who want to combine cats, unicorns and mermaids, people!" "Maybe a shower curtain?" "Jensen, you're a genius."
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Hand Turkey Statue
Hand turkeys are a common art project for school kids, but few of them are as elaborate as this statue that combines a turkey head with a human hand. Or as creepy. Yep, definitely creepy.
Life Preserver Bottle Cover
Why a life preserver for a bottle of wine? If you have to ask why, you'll never understand.
Potty Texter
Texting in a bathroom isn't easy. You have to hold the phone with both hands, leaving nothing to hold a glass of wine (or anything else). The Potty Texter apparently makes it easier to answer nature's call while answering emails or checking out social media feeds. Just promise me you won't use this to do a Facebook Live feed, please?
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Tactical Kilt
If you're in a situation where you're wearing a kilt, it's not a bad idea for it to be camouflaged (why call attention to yourself?). The Tactical Kilt is especially handy because it has pockets and compartments that allow you to hide weapons, the better to protect yourself if people make fun of you.
Fortune Teller Tumbler
Some people look for happiness in the bottom of a glass. Now you can see the future. The Fortune Teller Tumbler uses the same "technology" of the Magic 8 Ball kids toy to answer life's most pressing questions. "Am I going to get stupid drunk tonight trying to get a decent fortune out of this glass?" "All signs point to yes."
Portable Breathalyzer
Drinking more during the holidays? The AlcoMate portable breathalyzer can come in handy. However, take it from me: People get awfully competitive when you have a portable breathalyzer: Everyone will try to beat the other person's score and the only one who wins is the Uber driver.
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Balls Deep Fishing Tackle
Know someone who is nuts about fishing? They will certainly appreciate these sinkers shaped exactly like testicles. In fact, they will be hooked line and sinker, maybe in a way that is a little disturbing. Hey, it's Christmas!
Candy Canes You're Probably Afraid To Try (With Good Reason)
Yes, you will probably be sick of peppermint-flavored candy canes by the time Christmas rolls around -- unless you try these first. It's not being vague to say that these alternative candy canes taste just as good as they sound (ick!). Hey, it's more likely to make bad kids rethink their ways than a lump of coal.
Poop: The Game
Just to be clear: Poop is a game, not actual poop itself. The game requires players to get rid of their "poop" cards without clogging the toilet. Certainly, there are crappier gifts to get.
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Brew Ha Ha! Card Game
The world can always use more drinking games, but activities like beer pong and quarters seem like a waste when you're drinking decent craft beer. Brew Ha Ha! is more like Mad Libs meet Cards Against Humanity meet beer. Players pick cards featuring different -- and weird -- tasting notes. Combine the cards into ridiculous descriptions of each beer. Then once you sampled all the beers, describe each player as if they were a beer. Character assassination never tasted so good.
My Treepod
The Treepod is a combination tent and hammock. It hangs from a tree or from a base you can order separately so that the tent never hits the ground. This could be handy if you're out in the wild and don't want critters crawling into the tent with you. If you do want critters crawling into the tent with you, I can't help you there.
Pokemon Cookbook
"Gotta cook 'em all!" To be honest, The Pokemon Cookbook doesn't tell you how to cook Pokemon, just how to make food items that look like Pokemon. Kind of bait-and-switch, if you ask me. Meanwhile, I still have to find a Bulbasaur for Christmas dinner.
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BeanBoozled
In a world where millions of people believe obviously fake news stories (as opposed to cleverly written weird gift guides), it is more important than ever to teach skepticism to young kids. The BeanBoozled game does just that: Half the beans are tasty and the other half are flavors like lawn clippings and dog food. It's the best way to teach kids things aren't always what they seem.
Before You Go
