By Jonathan Sirlin, GQ
This story originally appeared on GQ.com: Welcome to My Binder Full of Women
Hello!
I'm writing to congratulate you on your inclusion in my 2013 Working Women Binder. I've spent the majority of 2012 pruning my list of notable Women in the workplace, and I'm proud to say that you've made the cut of competent, well-adjusted, capable Women suitable for work in a professional setting.
Women are essential to our planet. They repopulate humans and carry valuable wombs with them wherever they go. But did you know they can also manage Excel spreadsheets? They're also fully capable of human communication over the phone, Internet, texting (just ask my wife!) and sometimes fax machines. I'm proud to say I've known many Women throughout my life, and I value their ability to assist and execute tasks in a business setting.
As a part of my 2013 Working Women Binder, you have access to the following perks:
- A working Blackberry
- A page of motivational stickers encouraging you to "Do your best!" and "Go for it, girl!"
- A travel mug in the color of your choice (if you do not respond within the week with the color of your choosing, I will send pink)
- A monthly newsletter with helpful tips to get ahead in the workplace (last month's edition explored general football terms for use on Monday morning around the water cooler)
- A digital New York Times subscription
- One (1) weekend's access to the corporate bungalow in St. Martin (please give three months notice as this residence is normally reserved for the help. Airfare is NOT included)
- A25.00 gift certificate to Limited Too
- Access to the complete Sex and the City series on DVD (you will eventually create and manage the spreadsheet detailing who has which disc checked out at any given time)
- Thursday is "Crazy Hat Day for Women"
- A dishwasher in the kitchen (you will eventually create and manage the spreadsheet detailing who's turn it is to clear the dishwasher. I recommend a weekly schedule, but this is really more your realm! Please provide dish soap.)
And much, much more. I'm thrilled to be able to bestow this honor upon you, and I hope you appreciate it for all it's worth.
Please note that there is a yearly fee for inclusion in this program in the form of a disproportionately high income tax. Your salary is not affected by your inclusion in this binder. Your status in this binder is not to be included on your resume, as it is temporary. While it is possible to remain in the binder for many years, it is not guaranteed, and your continued service and excellence as a Woman in the workplace is necessary for continued inclusion in the binder.
Thank you, once again, for all your help, and congratulations on making it to this coveted tier. I'm counting on you!
Please don't hesitate to reach out to my secretary with any questions or concerns.