Is the sun always shining in Niceville, or does it just seem that way? Is it really always 72 degrees with a slight breeze, or is that just how it feels when everyone in town is packing?
Welcome to Niceville, an NRA Model Community.
We begin our tour on Hollow Point Circle, a typical Niceville street. Here you find lovely homes, all with green, well-kept lawns, white picket fences, and an average of three firearms per household. Think Norman Rockwell, if he were the illustrator for Guns & Ammo.
This is a peaceful neighborhood and the homeowners will stand their ground to keep it that way. One ill-advised fellow decided to test his luck, and still has a bullet inside him for his efforts. Yes, as it turned out, he was a pizza delivery boy who'd gone to the wrong house, but the box looked suspiciously like a large, square, flat gun, and he was Pakistani. It was an unfortunate mistake for which the people of Niceville paid a terrible price: Pizza Palace no longer delivers. But then freedom isn't free.
Ah, here we are. This is Wayne LaPierre Elementary, which we believe is the safest school in America. Why? Because every adult is armed, from the alcoholic gym teacher to the recently divorced cafeteria worker with the anger issues. This policy paid off in spades last spring when an Arab terrorist, posing as an air conditioner repairman, made his way into the school, only to be met with a hail of bullets. Afterwards, when we learned that he wasn't a terrorist, but the same Pakistani pizza delivery fellow now working as an air conditioner repairman, we made no apology. A sizeable settlement, yes. But no apology.
Heston Drive takes us right into the town square. Here you find City Hall, the courthouse, the library, and the movie theater, which features fully reclining seats, a Dolby Surround 7.1 sound system, and a concession counter where you can get everything from Raisinets to .223 caliber rounds for your Bushmaster XM-15 semiautomatic. There'll be no repeat of Aurora here. If anyone tried, the pitch darkness would be lit bright by the muzzle flashes of dozens of weapons, all aimed in the general direction of the perpetrator.
Now we come to the real heart of the community, our church. Pretty much the entire town shows up here every Sunday. And, yes, they are welcome to bring their firearms. We've even got gun racks built into the backs of the pews, right above the trays that hold the prayer books. Some of our more rambunctious parishioners, rather than say "amen," like to fire a round or two in the air. Sure, it does a little damage, but as Pastor Neff likes to say, "If only the Garden of Eden had been open carry. There'd be one dead serpent, and we'd all be living there today!"
I want to thank you for coming. To get back to the main highway, just take Zimmerman Parkway and turn right when you hit the Obama Hazardous Waste Dump. The interstate's just past the outlet mall, though I recommend stopping for a fun visit. All the major brands have stores there--Colt, Smith & Wesson, Remington, Glock, and for reasons none of us understand, Tommy Bahama.
Finally, remember the Niceville motto: the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a--whing!--Jimmy Morgan, I'm going to tell your Mama! You know to always point the barrel down! Oh great, you winged the Pakistani.