Welcome to your summer vacation! Grab that big ol' bonus the boss gave for mid-year performance reviews, and...
Oh, that's right, bonuses aren't exactly the "thing to do" these days.
Then forget the big trip, save on hotel and airfare by staycationing! You can try out all the local restaurants that are a bit too toney for just any ol' Wednesday night, and hit up a few museums, and what with all the money you're saving on travel expenses, you'll end up ahead in the end!
Of course those mattresses aren't just going to stuff themselves with money, just in case the bank run your favorite totally-legitimate-"news"-website is predicting comes true...
Alright, alright, so staycationing is a bit too rich for your blood, but even the un(der)employed deserve a break every now and then, dear GOD make the soul-sucking boredom and futility of the last few months stop, just for a few hours, PLEASE make it stop...
Never fear, my friends, for us there is a brand new -ation-suffixed word to break through the seething monotony of endless undifferentiated days, a word that can almost give you the motivation to roll out of bed in the morning and plod through it all again.
For us, there's the Fake-ation!
How, you might ask, does one fake-ation? Just follow these handy steps, and before you know it, you'll be on the road to a fleeting sensation of something that might pass for relaxation, relatively speaking!
Beaches: Summer isn't just vacation-time, it's road-construction time! Take advantage of that fact to pilfer massive amounts of sand from your nearest sidewalk or street repair site and dump it all over your driveway! Ta-da! Instant beach-front property! Don't let the fun stop there - turn your new personal fun-zone into a money-making enterprise by charging neighbors a small entry fee! If they complain about the rockiness of the 'white sand' you promised, tell them that those rocks are natural geological formations around here, and that they should thank you for providing both a fun and educational experience!
Beverages: It's not really vacation until you have a frosty adult beverage in hand. Save on cocktail costs by making drinks at home! Save even more by replacing your favorite spirit with mouthwash; not only will you be getting down and dirty before you know it - what happens in your apartment's kitchen stays in your apartment's kitchen, after all - but you'll smell minty fresh in the process! Note: make sure to read your labels. Crest ProHealth, for example, is not only non-alcoholic (lame), but it induces hobo-mouth. You're looking for the fun kind of health-impairing side-effects here, not just the appearance of years of self-neglect!
Activities: Hmmm...walking's free! Put on your bikini and sunglasses, flip flops, and an awkward amount of canola oil (it's already in your kitchen and will make you look like you're wearing suntan lotion...and smell like French-fried potatoes!) and head up and down your newly-sanded driveway - you'll feel like you're taking a nice beachside stroll! Or maybe you're more the educational type; learn about local customs by looking through windows around your neighborhood! Or, better yet, combine the fun and walk to someone else's neighborhood before the learning begins!
Good eats: No one wants to cook during their fake-ation! Feel like you're being waited on hand-and-foot by waiting outside the back entrance to your favorite restaurant. When they bring out all the food scraps for the night, it'll be almost like they're serving you, personally, but without that troublesome bill! Works best at pizza places, or anywhere that doesn't serve a lot of soup.
Added bonus: you can teach your kids all about local nocturnal wildlife without the cost of tickets to the natural history museum! Just bring along a book on rodents and/or vermin (checked out from the library, of course!), your camera (after the wildlife shoot, you can play hidden pictures - where's the rat? The broken bottle? The crack spoon?) and your back-up rabies shots!
Souvenirs: Fake-ations can last long after you're back to looking-for-work with a few tastefully chosen souvenirs to remind you of all the fun you had! That mouthwash cap will make a great planter for the cuttings you harvested from your neighbor's garden! The faint whiff of pizza rising up off the moldering box in the corner will almost make you think you're eating (it) again, and with just a few quick and easy steps, you can transform it into a new pair of summer shoes, and carry around the pleasure, and the scent, with you all day long! And of course the bags of your fellow "beach guests," and anything within reach of any open windows on your "tour" would make a great gift for a friend or family-member...so tell them where to find your e-bay listing once you're "back" home!