Wow! I actually get to say that after our 2 1/2 year journey. As long or as short as that time may be, we were on our path -- one that was often painful, sometimes eye-opening, and always an opportunity for growth. All roads have lead to this most auspicious moment.
This how the morning went:
I am anxious. I am dreading today because of all the uncertainty. Today is Judgement Day. My mind can't even wrap itself around the idea of hearing what I want to hear. I wake up, get out of bed and move like molasses. I usually jump in the shower right away, but not today. I cuddled with our dog Stella for a while. She's the quickest way to comfort I know. As challenging as it was, I sat myself still to meditate. I gave myself permission to feel excited through my meditation and to contemplate... What if? What if we got what we wanted today?
My husband woke up and I could tell he was also nervous. He wasn't displaying his big morning smile. He seemed a bit distracted. That's not the usual for my husband. He's often the one who has a positive spin on things.
It took longer than usual, but I finally made it out of the house. The 15-minute drive to the clinic seemed like one of those bad dreams where the road just keeps getting longer and ultimately leads to nowhere. I was more sensitive to my every step and every sound around me. Yet at the same time, I felt nothing.
I walked into the lab for my blood work. I sat in the chair, threw my arm on the table and gazed in the opposite direction. I can't stand to be pricked; I loathe anything that requires needles.
The lab tech and I are on a first-name basis. We've had this meeting plenty of times before.
"When will I get the results?" I asked.
"Between 2 p.m. and 5 p.m." he said.
It's 10 a.m.. That seemed like an awfully long time to make me wait. I remained calm. Then it dawned on me (not sure why it didn't before)...
"Hey-can I take an over the counter pregnancy test?" I asked.
"Yes," he said.
"Wait. Yes, you mean the pregnancy test would be accurate?"
"Sure, women take it before they get here all the time. They get impatient."
Of course they get impatient! It feels like nothing can move forward until these results are in. Everything is on the line. I couldn't imagine getting a positive result on a pregnancy test. I never had before. I left the lab and got in my car. I felt like I was about to score some drugs or do something very wrong. Could I go to the pharmacy, buy a pregnancy test and get a positive result? I had to call my husband right away so that he could talk some sense into me.
I got him on the phone and I let him know we could take a pregnancy test. I imagined him saying, "Well, what if it's negative," "Maybe we should wait for the doctor to call us." Yes! That's what he'd say. He's the rational one. Instead, there was an instantaneous excitement on the other end... "No way! Really! I'll meet you at the pharmacy."
Oh my gosh. We're really doing this. My heart began to pound hard and at the same time, I felt a childish grin come upon my face.
We met in the parking lot and grabbed hands. We walked down the long family planning isle. It felt like I was doing this for the first time. I wasn't sure what test to get even though I'd done this at least a dozen times before. My husband picked one.
We got to the register and before we even paid, I began to open the package. The cashier gave me a warm smile. It was as though she knew what we wanted and what we were going to get.
We walked briskly to the bathroom. The women's was occupied, so we locked ourselves in the men's. I took a graceful squat and peed on the stick. We giggled a bit. Two minutes felt like two hours. We both started to read the little pamphlet that comes in the box. I've never read that thing. "It has to be on a flat surface," my husband said. He was holding the stick in his hand. He went to place the stick on top of the toilet seat. We intentionally meant to place it upside-down but mistakenly turned it right-side up.
A huge plus sign stared us in the face. It felt bigger than the whole room. We looked at each other in disbelief, but immediately settled into the awe and sweet surprise of our reality. We are pregnant!
Part of the miracle was sharing this beautiful, intimate and vulnerable moment with my husband. We just entered into a new frontier together. Something incredible unfolded for both of us in that moment. There was a shedding of old skin. The old story transformed into a new tale... We're going to be parents.