What Canada Needs To Do

Unlike most Americans, I have travelled extensively in Canada. Been to Vancouver for a wedding, Montreal for a day trip when I was six, and to Windsor Ontario two or three times to work comedy clubs.

A quick primer on Canada; it is our immediate neighbor to the north, it inhabits roughly thirty million people, (compared to the U.S. with three hundred million) it has one payer healthcare, almost zero crime and everyone there loves hockey. Wayne Gretzky is revered like a Pagan God.
What you might not know is that Canada has ten provinces and three territories. The territories are way up north and very few people live there, so we won't concern ourselves with them. The provinces, from west to east, are British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan (that's right, named after Bigfoot!), Manitoba, Ontario, Quebec, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland and Labrador. Now you're saying "Wait a minute, that's eleven." No, Newfoundland and Labrador is once province. Weird, right?

Canada's provinces all sort of make sense, moving west to east, until you get east of Quebec, then it turns into a total... shall we say Goat Fudge! At this point, the provinces get so small and start coming at you so fast and furious that it makes your head spin.
You could fit New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland and Labrador into like half of Manitoba. And for God's sake, lets just combine Newfoundland and Labrador into one province. Call it Newbrador or Labfoundland.
And how the hell is Prince Edward Island a "PROVINCE"? It's tiny! About the size of Coney Island! Who was Prince Edward sleeping with to make this happen? This is like turning Disneyland into its own country.
Listen up, Canada, here's what you need to do; combine New Brunswick and Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island into one province. Called it Gordy Howeland, or Celine Dionneville.
So that knocks Canada down to seven provinces. Not bad for a day's work.
Actually, if it weren't for that one little panhandle of Quebec, that seperates Newbrador from New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island, you could make all four easternmost provinces into one province. (Call it Gretzkyland.)
But, leave it to the French to totally c*ck block everything!
And while we are making improvements, stop sending us your awful celebrities!
We don't need Justin Bieber hurting our property values!
And I think we are pretty much done with William Shatner and Howie Mandel.
Why don't you give them each a show on that TV network of yours, the CDC, or whatever. Maybe they could even be on the same show. Something about a father and son hockey coach or beaver trappers or whatever you people do up there.
All of that to say, weird provinces and all, Canada is a pretty good neighbor. You people are polite, don't cause trouble (aside from the aforementioned celebrity dumping) and you don't come here wanting jobs.
Compared to Mexico, you people are saints!
And you speak English for the love of God! Aside from that small patch of French speakers but they speak English too. They just speak French to piss off everyone else.
So, again, please, consolidate your provinces as above outlined, take back Bieber and have a nice day.