Donald Trump's campaign slogan is "Make America Great Again."
Obviously, Trump hasn't been to a supermarket lately. Have you been to a cookie aisle recently? You'll find shelves full of Oreos, different flavors and forms and sizes and varieties. Oreos have become the Internet pornography of cookies. The only difference is that Oreos always come in the same position.
Make America great again? Heck, we're in the middle of an Oreo renaissance, with new mind-spinning limited edition flavors being introduced at a frantic pace. They had cookie dough Oreos, for crying out loud! Aside from the deliciousness, I also dig the existential quality of the cookie dough flavored cookie concept; a cookie that tastes like the ingredient from which it spawned. Do they make rat-flavored hot dogs?
Oreos qualify as what I refer to as an "urge" food. One doesn't have a constant hunger for Oreos. But every so often, you just get the urge. And after consuming four or five, then you're done and the desire is gone. It's like listening to a James Taylor Greatest Hits album.
Some people prefer to eat their Oreos whole, like a sandwich. Others prefer to pull the wafers apart and dive into the creamy filling first. Both methods are pretty crass. I mean, have you animals ever heard of a fork and knife?
I eat my Oreos both ways, though if I had to pick, I'd rather eat the cookie whole, in order to fully appreciate the cookie. It would be like listening to a movie without the picture, and then watching the movie without the sound. You're not really getting the full movie experience... although I've found the best way to enjoy Birdman is without the sound or the picture.
There are so many different Oreo brand products now: shakes, pie crusts, prescription meds. But even within the world of its cookies, there are a million different options. It's wonderful. And people are complaining about America?! Heck, when I was a kid, an Oreo cookie was just a thick block of wood with a couple of rusty nails. If you wanted a tasty treat, you had to use your imagination.
Oreos can basically be separated into three categories: the wafer flavor, the cream filling flavor, and the amount of cream filling in the cookie. The cream filling is called stuf, not to be confused with stuff. I believe this is an FDA regulation, as the government doesn't want consumers confusing processed Oreo filling with the healthy, all-natural organic stuff that grows on trees. This semantics rule falls under the same regulation that prevents Totino's pizza rolls from labeling itself as food.
Double Stuf Oreos have twice the normal amount of stuf. Released in 2015, Oreo Thins only have half the stuff, and fewer the calories, as regular Oreos. Do you ever watch the reality shows on the health channels about morbidly obese people who are literally too heavy to get out of bed? For those people, I'd recommend the Oreo Thins. They also have Mega Stuf Oreos now, with even more cream filling than the Double Stuf Oreos. On the Mega Stuf Nutrition Facts label, next to calories, it simply says "infinite."
Oh, but there are so many different flavors of stuf now. There's even a Wikipedia entry dedicated solely to the different varieties of Oreo.
It would take weeks to list all the different Oreo flavors. But here are a few. (These are real.)
Banana Split Crème Oreos. I'm not a huge fan of banana-flavored treats. Still, they're safer than bandana-flavored Oreos, what with all the gang violence.
Fruit Punch Oreos. You can't go wrong with fruit punch, although cookies are probably harder to spike. Oreos should consider an adult line of flavors, like Tequila Oreos. Yes, tequila-flavored cream stuf sounds repulsive, but still less grotesque than actual tequila.
Root Beer Float Oreos. Nothing goes better with Oreos than a cool frosty mug of Oreos. Some people like to dunk their Oreos in milk. Other people like to dunk their milk in root beer. And that's still less disgusting than tequila.
S'Mores Oreos. My friends and I go camping sometimes. They bring along marshmallows and graham crackers and chocolate bars and we hold the marshmallows up to the fire to make S'Mores. Then I discovered the treats taste much better when you don't cook the marshmallows, and you eat the three ingredients separately. Then I discovered they taste even better when you put the marshmallows and graham crackers aside and just eat the chocolate bars. Luckily, they have chocolate-flavored Oreos. I'd recommend them over the S'Mores.
Gingerbread Oreos. Bleech.
Key Lime Pie Oreos. You have to respect lime, the lemon's scrappy younger sibling. Oh, lime will never have lemon's talent and good looks. But it keeps trying. So, yeah, maybe limeade will never taste as refreshing as lemonade. Perhaps key lime pie will always take a backseat to lemon meringue. Nobody will ever ask for a little lime in their water. And Lemon Oreos look like golden drops of scrumptiousness, while the green Lime Oreos look like Slimer from Ghostbusters. Oh, we like lime; we just don't love it. And we never will. But, hey, that slime. I mean- that's lime.
Pumpkin Spice Oreos. I don't consider pumpkin to be a legitimate food flavor. So I won't acknowledge Pumpkin Spice Oreos. Moving on...
Candy Corn Oreos. These Oreos are only available during Halloween time, featuring orange colored stuf. Once the season is over, the remaining packages are thrown out. After that, they're recollected, marked down, and sold at Big Lots. Candy corn is the only candy that tastes worse than the vegetable it's representing, though to be fair they don't make candy broccoli.
And the flavors get even weirder: Watermelon, Toasted Coconut, Cotton Candy. They should come out with Oreo-flavored Oreos; you pull the black wafers apart and the cream in the middle tastes just like an Oreo.
Oreos are a lot like America.
Yes, Oreos are always changing, keeping up with modern times. That's social progress. And that's wonderful. But there will always be a place for the traditional Oreos with that we're familiar. So for those of you who fear Caramel Apple Oreos, the classic black & whites will always be available, reminding you of a simpler time that probably never existed but provides emotional comfort to those frightened by the riots on television.
The term "Oreo" has been used to describe people in a rather condescending and unfairly racist way. But I like to look at Oreos in terms of racial progress. Oreos come in all different color schemes: black and white, white and brown, black and yellow. After the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage, an Oreo filled with a rainbow of stuf became a popular Internet meme.
Heck, Oreos aren't like America. Oreos are America.
Recently, a Chicago Oreo factory partially closed down, in favor of cheaper production lines in Mexico. Ah, there's nothing more American than screwing over our nation's workers for corporate profit.
Donald Trump vowed to stop eating Oreos because of the move. Then he said, in reference to Oreos, "They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're bringing generic-brand chocolate sandwich cookies. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good Oreos."
They don't make Trump-flavored Oreos yet. But when they do, I'm sure they will be the best, most fantastic, best tasting Oreos ever, I can tell you that much.