Bartender's are a hardy breed, who, safe behind the polished mahogany, genuinely believe they are immune to anything the customer can throw at them, only to learn that we've been evolving.
In this case however I wanted specifics. So risking penises (where owned) placed in my drink and (justifiable) tampering with my straw, glass or citrus fruit, I ventured out to see what really worked.
1: Order a Malibu and Pineapple (Without irony)
Result: Liked the cut of the bartender's gib. He actually asked me to repeat my order whilst angling his ear slightly closer for emphasis. Outstanding.
2: Pay with a fifty for a drink costing 5.20
Result: Bartender asked if I had anything smaller. I denied having anything smaller. Bartender asked if I would like to run a tab. I declined. Just to be on the safe side I paid for my next round with another fifty and still denied having anything smaller. Despite gripping my change with more force than was absolutely necessary the bartender remained stoic. Impressive stuff.
3: Pay for a drink using a minimum of thirty-five separate coins
Result: Barkeep actually nodded in time as I placed each coin on their palm. Did seem slightly irked when they re-counted and found I had underpaid them. I apologized and started again. Some pain behind the eyes but on the surface not a ripple. Awesome performance.
4: Ask for a cocktail I just made up as if they should know it
Result: Bartender told me he hadn't made one of those in a realllllly long time. First rate.
5: No tip despite outstanding drinks and service
Result: The look on the bartender's face reflected all the dashed hopes and dreams of an industry where people seem determined to dash your hopes and dreams pretty regularly. Immediately left a tip equivalent to 100%. Painful. So very painful.
6: Take place in a large queue, wait until bartender asks what I want, then look over my shoulder and shout "Dave, what's everyone having?"
Result: Bartender actually sagged and shook his head. Breathtaking.
7: Ask them to turn the volume down and or/change the song
Result: Got told to f**k off. Not exactly subtle but, let's face it, probably deserved.
Bartenders of the world - I salute you.
Dan Miles is the cult bestselling author of Filthy Still - A tale of travel, sex and perfectly made cocktails, out now on Amazon.
"Hilarious. Like an alcoholic Bridget Jones." Akashia Hoosein. My London Lifestyle Magazine.