What Everyone Can Learn From Bisexual Relationships

What Everyone Can Learn From Bisexual Relationships
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Despite making up the largest portion of LGBT people the experience of bisexuals is often ignored, erased, or downright spoken against. Bi people report abuse, often from lesbians and gay people who berate bisexuals for not being “gay enough” Recently in the UK a gay celebrity launched into a tirade against bisexuals, declaring that they spread disease, and broke up marriages. He seemed surprised that anyone objected, and tried to use the tired “some of my best friends” defence. Then there is the reaction of straight people, who often say they would never date someone bisexual. The idea of being attracted to more than one gender seems to be intertwined with being out of control of your sex drive. Bisexuals are accused of wanting to sleep with anyone, of being only interested in sex, and thus unable to be trustworthy partners.

A piece of research which shines a light into this gloom is therefore especially welcome. Deakin university have looked beyond the assumptions and asked the female partners of bisexual men about their experiences. Given that many of the stereotypes are around unfaithfulness and the fact anyone bisexual is bound to stray, or be so sex obsessed a monogamous relationship is impossible, this is an interesting group of women to talk to. There may indeed be something of our inability to accept women are able to make choices, sexual, or otherwise, which has encouraged the idea they are victims of lascivious men. Whilst the reporting on this has focused on the headline of bi men making better fathers and lovers, no doubt raising a smile for many bi men and their partners, what struck me was the universal truth about relationships the author of the report highlighted.

“A common element among all the women in healthy and happy relationships was open communication with their partners as they designed, negotiated and maintained the ground rules and boundaries of their relationships,” Dr Pallotta-Chiarolli said.

Our traditional model of relationships is one where, seemingly magically, two people understand each other’s needs, wants, desires, without explicitly communicating them. Unfortunately our models of romance, be they books, Hollywood, or TV encourage the idea of romantic love being something happens without needing to communicate. Until very recently sex within marriage was deemed to be the right of the husband, and we still very often struggle with the idea consent needs to be obtained within relationships.

These ideas are so embedded in our conception of what a healthy relationship looks like that many feel having to talk about things is a sign something is wrong. For example the suggestion that consent should be negotiated before sex, is dismissed as somehow “taking away the romance” or “ killing the passion”. In order to challenge this perhaps we need to look at non traditional relationships, and how they do things.

Some of the toys kinksters will negotiate about using
Some of the toys kinksters will negotiate about using

Many of the current ideas around informed consent, discussing boundaries and having ground rules in place have their roots in the BDSM community. They may seem a million miles away from a conventional marriage, but I think no one could accuse kinksters of existing without passion. From the necessity of ensuring BDSM play was safe, for all parties, such things as safe words have entered the mainstream lexicon. How much better would relationships be if the idea of full and open communication also entered the mainstream?

Those in consensual non monogamy relationships, whether they call this polygamy or not, also have to be willing to talk to each other, honestly and frankly, about their boundaries and ground rules. In doing so the needs of all partners should be respected, and what could become an issue which drives a wedge between a couple in fact becomes a sign of their mutual respect for each other.

I am reminded of a story from my own life, about my grandparents. Whenever there was showjumping television my Grandfather would put it on, believing it to be one of my Grandmother’s favourite shows. For over 30 years this continued, until one day my Grandmother expressed her surprise that Grandpa was such a fan of showjumping. It turned out that his belief she loved showjumping was based on her saying how beautiful colour TV looked, whilst the show jumping happened to me on. An amusing story perhaps, and one which was shared with love after my Grandmother died. How often though is it the case that partners in a relationship are basing what they do on what they think the other wants, on assumption, rather than on open communication?

I do not know if bi men make better fathers and lovers. I do know that relationships where there is good communication work better for all involved. Perhaps a marriage where one partner has sex with others with the full, informed, consent of their spouse, with ground rules in place seems far away from a conventional marriage. However the basics of good communication are universal, and can be applied to all.

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