What If Donald Trump Really Is Voldemort?

Boy, pretending to be Harry Potter. He is carrying a wand and has his mouth wide open as he pretends to see a Dementor.
Boy, pretending to be Harry Potter. He is carrying a wand and has his mouth wide open as he pretends to see a Dementor.

It was a beautiful Saturday last weekend and I really should have been out and about soaking in the Cleveland sunshine and spirit of urban revitalization (seriously: come visit before or after the RNC!). Instead, I fell into an e-hole: I sunk deep into my couch and got lost in a string of videos on my laptop of Donald Trump doing this (this = shouting down a reporter), Donald Trump saying that (that = #AllLivesMatter and other racist absurdities) and Donald Trump just generally acting like a buffoon (buffoon = Trump in all the videos in all the land).

I knew what was happening. I knew I was under a spell. But I couldn't seem to break out of the charm. Where had my free will gone?!?

A flicker of movement caught my eye and I suddenly realized I had left the television on in the next room. And that's when I saw him: a deathly-pale, flat-faced visage staring at me from eight feet away.

It was Voldemort.

I looked at the television. And then back at my laptop. Then back and forth until the reality sunk in and everything made sense.

Donald Trump might very well be Voldemort. Trump had most definitely stupefied me on that beautiful Saturday afternoon. And he has probably done the very same to you.

Now, Donald Trump as Voldemort is actually not a new theory. Marco Rubio's Super PAC likened Trump's to the towering villain and JK Rowlings herself referenced (and decried) the comparison.

So it got me thinking: what if Trump really is Voldemort? How then can we defeat him? Short of lightning bolt scars on all of our heads (and I'm not ruling that out), how can we restore the magical balance in the world by conquering our Dark-But-Orange-Faced Media Lord?

The answer is clear. We must use the three Hallows to aid us in our battle:

The Cloak of Invisibility - We need to take the Cloak of Invisibility and throw it over Trumpdemort on social media. We must stop sharing posts about his antics. We must stop tweeting pithy statements about his racism, homophobia, misogyny and general intolerance. We must turn Trumpdemort into "He Who Must Not Be Named" and thus diminish his power. This is not to say that we shouldn't share posts about his substantive positions on policy. I'm all for an informed electorate. But if we limit ourselves to sharing posts about his substantive positions on policy, we will render him invisible. Because, y'know, there will be nothing to share.

The Resurrection Stone - If your frequency of speaking/posting against Trumpdemort (or any other candidate) is greater than your frequency of speaking/posting about a candidate you actually support, then you need to use the Resurrection Stone and use it now. We are losing a sense of what healthy discourse can actually look like and we need to resurrect it post-haste. Summon the spirits of civility and kindness and replace your Trumpdemort references with positive tales of your champions' views (be those champions current or of the past). We have to role-model what we want to see in politics and combat Trumpdemort's fire with our own.

The Elder Wand - It can only be found in rare circumstances, but if you can locate this last Hallow, the defeat of Trumpdemort will be nigh. You have to get past some wizened but wily female guards, deftly part the thick curtains of hope and boldly seize the Elder Wand. And, by that, I mean the lever in the voting booth. It really is the ultimate form of magic at our disposal and if we don't use it, Trumpdemort will surely win. Seriously: vote.

Look, I'm not saying that Trumpdemort is not a formidable opponent. He is crafty. He's been at this for a while. And he has hordes of Death Eaters at his back. But if we band together in this Order of the (Political) Phoenix, we have a chance.

When all else fails, remember the words of Dumbledore: "We must try not to sink beneath our anguish... but battle on." He Who Must Not Be Named will only be defeated if we wizards and muggles stick together and battle on. After all, the world is at stake.