What If I'm Honest Just This Once

"It is so important that we speak truthfully and to the point."

“Dont you ever wonder, ‘just this once, what if I’m honest… just for the fuck of it?’” - Amy Schumer

‘Tis the season for back to school vibes. I always get butterflies this time of year because I hated the start of the school year. Every year in college I used to force myself at this time to think back on the lessons I valued from the previous year. I’m well out of school now and for the last several years every time I look back on those mic drop moment lessons I got from school I never find myself swooning over what I learned in the classroom. Rather what I learned about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness from myself and a mad rad guy who made me laugh until I cried and scared the ever living shit out of me.

Words are amazing, aren’t they? They fly out of our mouths constantly 9 times out of 10 with out a lot of thought behind them. However there are those moments whether we realize it or not when our words are going to drastically change the course of our lives. A word can carry such heavy meaning... then when you string a bunch of words together, holy shit. You could move mountains, build civilizations, or tear down Rome in a day — all with your words.

Maybe that is why speaking from our hearts, speaking honestly, letting ourselves be vulnerable and raw is such a scary feat for some of us.

When I was in college I was absolutely crazy for this guy that was taller than me and gave great bear hugs. I wouldn’t call it love but for me it was very lovely. It was fun, he was fun, he was funny, he was inspiring, he was ridiculous, it was inspiring, it was ridiculous. I don’t really believe in the phrase “he/she brought out the best in me”. I think that is giving a great amount of responsibility to someone else versus yourself. You should feel your best because of you, not because of another. You should feel whole and fulfilled within yourself without giving that privilege and responsibility to someone else. Albeit I’m sort of eating those words because in a total and for sure way I felt like he did bring out this awesome version of myself.

Maybe that is why speaking from our hearts, speaking honestly, letting ourselves be vulnerable and raw is such a scary feat for some of us.

So anyway, I ran. We were young, fast, furious, and wild. I THOUGHT that I KNEW that he wouldn’t be able to give me what I wanted out of that relationship or version of a relationship. I wanted more than what I THOUGHT he would give me so instead of being straightforward and saying ANYTHING and asking for what I wanted I played this really dumb version of the “cool-girl” (which really just made me look like a psychopath)... And I ran. I just left in the middle of the night and we stayed friends and I never said or asked for what I wanted. I never gave him the chance to let me down which in turn took the beautiful chance for him to surprise me away. I wasn’t clear or truthful.

I know that I probably was right, that I was wanting more from something that at that time wasn’t even there or ready for what I wanted. I traveled a lot, we were both young, I didn’t like putting myself out there so I didn’t. At the end of all of that the only person I really ended up hurting was myself.

I learned a lot about myself that week. I learned that I would rather be the one leaving, than being asked to go. I learned that that is not a fair way to live, it isn’t a good way to live. Because again, it takes away the opportunity for me to speak truthfully for myself. Almost even worse, it took the opportunity away from someone else, someone I care about to speak up.

Every morning we wake up in our bodies, with our minds, our hearts, and our spirits. Every morning we get to make choices on what we say and how we represent our bodies, hearts, minds, spirits. We have the opportunity to be straightforward and truthful. We get the opportunity every morning to speak up for someone else, to help others, to speak up for ourselves, to help ourselves. We get the chance to practice asking for what we need and want everyday. Every morning we get that opportunity. It is so important that we speak truthfully and to the point. If for no other reason than because every night, in sickness and in health, in life and in death, in love and in loss, in relationship, in singleton-ship, in friendship, in marriage, in divorce, the only person we have to come home to and lay down with at night, every night, is ourSELF. No matter what. That is why speaking on behalf of your heart is such a scary feat, but so important that we do it.

Be brave. Be fearless. Be brave in what you say. Speak the words your heart is asking you to. Speak up for yourself. Speak for yourself. Create magic with your words. Be brave and fearless for you, and watch the magic happen. You do you. If you take away nothing else from back to school week, I hope it is that. Now go make shit happen to this world.

Head over to Lilly’s Instagram or Twitter to see more from her. 

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