I'm very worried about being a New York Jets fan. I'm not talking about the usual nonsense of what it is to be a Jets fan but, the usual nonsense of being a complete pessimist the day after the draft. There's an old Albert Brooks movie with Meryl Streep called, Defending Your Life. It is a story about the afterlife and Brooks' depiction of it. He feels that after you die you go to a sort of "weigh station" and you get judged on the things you've done in life. If the judges decide you're worthy to move on (to wherever), you move on. If they feel your decision making has not been that bright, you come back and live life on Earth again (which is technically a punishment for most folks unless you're Brad Pitt or Donald Trump I suppose).
In the film, Brooks' prosecuting attorney compiles together 164 examples of bad decisions in one of the most hilarious montages I have ever seen and makes me cry laughing to this very day some 25 years later. The New York Jets have legendarily had some of the worst drafts in NFL history. Someone brilliantly compiled them all together in one of the most hilarious videos I have ever seen on YouTube. It gets funnier on a year-to-year basis. What makes it even better are the Jets fans' reactions to the picks. Up until next year, when the draft moves to Chicago, the draft has always been held in New York City, so there are an abundance of New York Jets and Giants fans in attendance. The constant booing of New York Jets fans after each yearly bonehead decision makes it funnier and funnier as the growing list of losers continues to escalate.
The problem lies with the fact that the New York Jets have been in disarray since 1969 and the retiring of Joe Namath. We are completely desperate. Jets fans who have been known to be uncouth and unruly and tough-talking thugs have now grown up, organized themselves and raised money to put three billboards around MetLife Stadium this week with signs to "fire John Idzik," their general manager. A few days ago someone paid $1,000 and had an airplane fly a banner over their practice facility saying the same thing. This is great stuff. Hopefully Jets owner Woody Johnson will take notice. They just charge too much money for seats for a team that doesn't seem to care.
But, as I said above, I'm worried. You see, the New York Jets now have Michael Vick as their quarterback. I don't like Michael Vick. I can't imagine anyone does. He killed puppies. Like, literally. Yes, he's done his jail time, but who cares? He used to harm dogs if he didn't like their performance in his dogfighting ring. I don't even think my cat would want to see that happen. But now, I almost have to root for Michael Vick these past few weeks because he's taken over for another in a long line of incompetent Jets quarterbacks after Geno Smith. If Vick starts doing well the other Jets fans and I might end up chanting his name after games. We can't help it. We're desperate. That desperate.
Desperate enough that I ask you to imagine this completely plausible yet terrible scenario: Ray Rice is reinstated to play in the NFL next year and joins the Jets. He has the greatest season he has ever had or anyone has ever had in one season. He propels the Jets to win the Super Bowl. They erect a statue of him outside MetLife Stadium. In the span of 20 weeks, people have completely forgotten that he likes to punch women in the face and knock them out cold because their team has won the Super Bowl for the first time in 45 years. This is not just a random scenario. It could completely happen. In fact, it will happen because that's the way it is being a New York Jets fan. And when it does, if we go by the "Defending Your Life" scenario, I guess I deserve to come back to Earth and try again. Damn those Jets, literally.
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