What Is Barack Obama Thinking? Part I

Grandpa just crashed the Straight Talk Express. He's got the steering wheel in one hand, a bottle of Maalox cut with bourbon in the other, and the old stripper girlfriend is grinding in his lap. The air is thick with... what's the word when a person says something that's not supported by the facts?

Everyone's telling me I'm bringing a knife to a gunfight. Let the other side peak in September. Still, it looks like I'm not taking the battle to the Republicans and perception, as Mike Dukakis told me in that dream I had where his head was sticking out of a tank, is everything.

To attack, or not to attack? Am I starting to look like Hamlet? Don't mention Hamlet! Did she try to ban than one? Have the research team look into it.

The old goat said he'd run an honorable campaign and since he was the guy who got shivved by Bush in South Carolina eight years ago, I took him at his word, assumed he didn't set his moral compass by Pablo Escobar.

Bad decision, Barack!

A lot of veiled references are being thrown around now: fib, misstatement, stretch, fabrication, and none of them get to the essence. But you can't say lie. Never mind John McCain is selling more whoppers than Burger King. And Dogsled Barbie is worse (Oh heavens, did I just call her a dog?!). She keeps lying about the Bridge to Nowhere -- I said thanks, but no thanks -- If I have to hear that catchphrase one more time, my head's gonna explode! -- after every major media outlet in the country has pretty much said she's full of... whoa, whoa... I'm not gonna get down in the mud.

But those two are treating the truth like a couple of French literary theorists. I wish I could say that out loud. Hey, maybe I should! In the parallel universe they live in, the only thing worse than being a community organizer is being French. Probably shouldn't reference French literary theory during the campaign. Leave the Derrida on the old night table.

How's this for a line of attack? John McCain is treating this country the way he treated his ex-wife. Too abstract? Yeah, it is. Just practice saying: "While I honor his service to our country, John McCain is a craven tool of the Christian Taliban, and his first executive decision was to pick a running mate whose husband wants to secede from the union." Too long for a bumper sticker? Michelle gets hammered when she says she's finally proud of her country, but the First Dude wants to establish the Sovereign Nation of Alaska and he gets a pass? Hey, Liberal Media, what didn't you hear? Is the roar of the snowmobiles too loud?

I'm a little tired of the nice guy thing, the dignified thing, the loser thing. I can talk about the economy, or Iraq, education policy, or the environment, but let's face it... no one cares. The crowds love "Sarah Barracuda." Hey, McCain Truth Squad, how come the people who call her Sarah Barracuda don't get busted for saying she's like a fish? I'm just asking. Can you put lipstick on a barracuda? Because someone did.

Yeah, I just called her a fish. You're damn right. And I called her a pig, too. I'd say it to her smug, condescending, Alaska-is-a-socialist-paradise face. I don't care that she ragged on me at their convention. I can take that. But when I listen to the Republican noise machine rant about sexism if some reporter asks her why she thinks we should go to war with Russia in the event they attack Armenia, well, that is professional comedy. Wasn't she the one who said Hillary was whiny? What's wrong, Moose Chick? Can't take the heat?

Picture this: McCain croaks, Russia rattles their nukes, and the Palinator's getting ready to shake her up-do at Putin? I know he'll be showing all the "respect and deference" her campaign is bellyaching about.

I've been hearing our ticket has a problem with white working class voters. They're acting like I'm not running against the Straight Talker anymore, never mind he's been surgically attached to her hip, and you know what? I think they're right. The old Maverick's not looking so good, sorta like the Geritol and the Metamucil stopped working at the same time. And what's that swelling on the left side of his face? Word is Miss Alaska Runner-Up is trying to get him thrown off the ticket before he hugs her again. She may be snide but she's not dumb. If we were up in Tundra Town she'd have that geezer drifting out to sea on an ice flow!

So let me reframe the choice here, America.

Imagine you're in a car accident. You're pulled from the twisted wreckage with a massive head injury. The hospital has two surgeons, a black man and a white woman. The man went to the best medical school in the country, is cool, calm and rocks his scalpel like an artist. But the other one, the woman, she looks like the lady you ran next to in the 10k last weekend. Oh, and she's a veterinarian who usually operates on reindeer. Who's it going to be?

"Wait!" you say. "Reindeer? Does that mean she knows Santa?"

I hope your brain isn't leaking out of your ears tomorrow.