I used to think that I wasn't good enough. Mainly because of late tween and teenage experiences that bled into more colorful but not so great experiences in my early-twenties. And then furthermore, being married to someone who loved me based on conditions and not on who I was. Someone that could give up and someone that didn't seem to see the best in me, even though I was trying my best. Perhaps he was too.
Now I know I am good enough. I have much to offer. A stable career. A blooming career. The ambition of a billion men and (wo)men. The spirit and energy of a teenager. The friendliness of a Labrador Retriever. A healthy child. Great friends. Two parents who tolerate me. Wink.
I'm fit and healthy. I have a good work-life balance although yes, I am rather busy. I make friends with strangers. I am open and not bitter. I am not the least bit grieving my divorce.
Yet somehow I end up feeling as if I have "too much" to offer someone that often dates, back off or never happen.
Guys worry: Are you judging my grammar? ( I am a writer after all.)
You write about sex? Wow. Intimidating.
You sound busy.
Oh you have a kid.
You have your own place?
When I look for matches, I am looking for someone in his own place, established, fun and happy.
Alas, the dating pool is rather shallow.
As I go on more dates and talk to more men, I find some nice men but I also find a lot who are still prisoners to their exes. Still saddled with anger. Still trolling dating site after dating site in an attempt to find a gem because the grass is always greener on the other side OR because they're just looking for sex.
At first I thought I must be missing something.
But when I logically looked at the big no-no's, I couldn't find reason:
1- I am not attached to my ex still and our divorce is about final. He has moved on.
2- I am providing for myself
3- I am happy and positive
4- I'm fun and emotionally available
I realized that it wasn't me but truly, was them.
It's as if I have "too much" to offer and the ones out in the world (so far) don't have enough-- yet.
I wonder if I am alone in this feeling that there are not many strong men for all the strong women the world offers, and I know I am not.
I know I am one of many.
I ask myself if it is okay if I end up, at the end of the day, alone and single and I struggle with the answer.
I hear from friends: Women always end up alone, especially the good ones.
But I don't like that story or that narrative.
Please. I'm a writer.
I write my own fairy-tale endings and I sure hope I find it.
A Woman Who Still Believes in Happy Endings (and not just the ones at massage parlors)