What John McCain is Thinking, Part IV

What is going through John McCain's mind as he prepares to address the Republican convention in St. Paul?

Wonder if they'll let me hold that baby while I give my speech.

It's great for our side that Sarah Palin set the whole world on its ear because hardly anyone mentioned the Pipe Cleaner until she took him apart last night. Had no idea a snarky gal could be so...so...sexy! Love the way she bared the old fangs but...little cognitive dissonance happening...if I had that darned elitist's background I never woulda gotten into the Naval Academy, never coulda run for President. I'd be that soda jerk at Friendly's everyone calls "Pops." STOP THE NEGATIVITY! Focus, sailor, focus...We got Sally Palin! Pretty woman, family gal. And that baby! Passing him around like he was a bong!

Don't fiddle with your wedding ring, for heaven's sake. It's superglued on now anyway. Good thing the advisors noticed that I was fussing with it when she gave that first speech and I was staring at her butt. They didn't notice the whole Jerry Springer thing she has going on up in Alaska, but they noticed what I was doing with my damn ring finger. Geniuses. Remember to can EVERY F#$@#%*&! ONE OF THEM IF I GET ELECTED!!! Calm down, fella. You're gonna be on national TV. Big speech tonight. Breathe, one two three...

No one told me she tried to fire a librarian who wouldn't ban books in Wasilla. Shocked when I heard that, shocked! They have books in Wasilla? That's what the Washington elite would say. Wonder if she banned "The Audacity of Hope"? I like that gal, she's spunky! And smokin' hot, too...ohhh, baby, easy now. Easy...breathe, one two three...

They say the bar's low for me tonight. All I have to do is look white. Only place the Pipe Cleaner could beat me is on Dance Fever. Good ad lib! They'll eat it up in the convention hall. That show still on? Sally Palin was the one with the low bar. All she had to do was not try to convert the Jews on live TV. I love the Jews for Jesus, Sally had 'em at her church. They're Jews, and they're for Jesus! Talk about your two interest groups in one! I wonder if Joe Lieberman would accept Christ if we asked him. Would that help or hurt in Florida? String around the finger: poll test it.

Why won't the damn media leave my sassy Alaskan alone? She has executive skills, more than me...people are saying our ticket's upside down, too. Don't like that... makes Johnny Mac a little...emasculated. Everyone's talking about her, she hijacked my convention and now they're forgetting why they're here. Maybe they won't remember they didn't want to nominate me. I HATE THESE PEOPLE AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M THEIR CANDIDATE!!! Breathe one two three... NO NEGATIVITY!!! But these people are as mavericky as Barbara Bush. They hate me in their hearts. That's why I love Sarah Powell, the gal's a great big Forget Everything pill.

The lady sure has brass balls, trying to close down that Troopergate investigation up there. Reminds me of Nixon but looks better in pumps. Waaaayyy better... Ooo, baby... Easy, sailor, easy...

Once we get through this briar patch I'll say she's ready to stand up to Russia, threaten Iran, hunt down bin Laden on a snowmobile and gut him like a moose! Hey, good slogan! Gut bin Laden like a moose! We could have a picture of that camel f*@%#!% on a poster with antlers on his head. And Sally Palin standing right next to him with a .44 magnum pointed at his big nose. The Iranian midget, too, whatever his name is. Hope they don't ask me about him in the debate. Is he a Shi'ite or a Sunni? Why can't the Muslims get along, decide they're all Sh'unnis? Probably 'cause you can't say it without sounding like you're drunk.

Why'd Fred Thompson have to mention I dated a stripper? The Jesus Team already has me on a short leash. I'd like to wrap that leash around James Dobson's testicles, my friends...stop saying "My friends!" I would, though...and give it a good yank. That pr*#k thinks I'm gonna return his calls once I'm in the White House, I got a Bridge to Nowhere I'd like to sell him. Sally Palin was against that bridge, right? Before she was for it...hmmm...kind of a conundrum. Better remind everyone she's a conservative evangelical. That deactivates their brains.

Can anyone photo-shop a picture of Jesus on a snowmobile? It makes the point, the connection between the lady Governor and the Lord and Savior, but is it offensive? What would Dobson think? I could just yank the leash on his balls and ask him. I didn't just say that out loud, did I?

Sally Palin has military experience, right? Doesn't the Governor of Alaska help sew the National Guard uniforms or something? Here's some red meat for the base: Put the little lady in a tight tee shirt - like the one she was photographed in that said I'm Broke But I'm Not Flat Busted (thank you again, vetting staff, you f%@#&!$ IDIOTS!) -- drop her into Tehran with a bazooka, let her blow that Iranian pipsqueak's head off and put his ass on her igloo wall. Does the First Dude do taxidermy? She is tough! Wonder what she looks like naked...stop thinking about that! Don't touch the wedding ring. When's the First Dude's next boat trip? I said STOP!! Check if Cindy's gonna be out of town. STOP!!! Calm down, sailor...breathe one two three...

String around the finger: Don't forget to mention I was a POW. And throw in a little policy talk so the independents don't just think my campaign's a reality show.

Do those people really eat mooseburgers?