What John McCain Is Thinking, Part II

John McCain stood near Sarah Palin as she gave her speech where she agreed to be his running mate. What was he thinking?

How's this for a kick in the pants, America! Sarah Palin? Like you saw that one coming! The Governor of Alaska, my new favorite state, Bridge to Nowhere, salmon, oil drilling! She has executive experience, been governor more than a year already, maybe two. And before that she was Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, the woman knows how a municipality works. And the population there is what, like 9000? Okay, half of them are moose, but still. They're Republicans and they're voting for Johnny Mac now, my friends. Damn! Gotta stop saying "my friends" when I'm talking to myself. Second time in the last few days. Sally Palin...wait a minute, I mean Sarah! Good thing I didn't say that out loud. Today may be my seventy-second birthday but I am sharp as a......a...what the hell is that expression?

Why shouldn't I have chosen this gal? Like I was ever going to pick Tim Pawlenty, or Mitt Romney, or Tom Ridge. Put those boys behind Sally Palin and it's Gladys Knight and the Pips! Did I just say "Sally" again? Gotta watch that. Note to self: check if Gladys Knight is booked for our convention. We gotta fight back on the Stevie Wonder front, close the soul brother gap. Do they still say soul brother? Ask Clarence Thomas. Strike that, maybe not. Hope everyone noticed that black guy seated behind me when I introduced Governor Palin. Had to tip the usher fifty bucks to put him there, best fifty bucks of Cindy's money I ever spent. I am down with my black brothers! Every black person in America is not going to vote for Obama. I have one voting for me, too. Need to find out if what we paid him to sit there covers his vote.

Who's the first guy to put an ex-beauty queen on a national ticket? I'll tell you what, his name ain't Walter Mondale!

Sarah, Sarah, there is nothing fair-ah...maybe not. Leave the poetics to Obama.

But, my friends -- damn, stop that! -- I would have left my first wife for her, especially after the accident. Maybe even before. She is Arizona summer hot! Sidewalks of Phoenix hot! Won't leave Cindy, though. Not unless Sarah's dad's a zillionaire with his own brewery, then we'd have some straight talk. But Sally Palin is my kind of gal. A huntress, a fisherwoman, and married to a guy named Todd who takes long boat trips. Cindy may be loaded, but God she's boring. I'm watching Sarah-the-ex-beauty-queen (those glasses make her look even hotter!) tell these fine people about the state of the world and all I can think about is the two of us canoodling in a tree with a couple of high-powered rifles while we stake out an endangered species. I'd like to climb a tree. Probably shouldn't, though, bones getting kind of brittle.

I love that she has five kids, with one going to Iraq to help with the surge. I staked my candidacy on that surge and now I'm staking it on this gal. A hockey mom -- didn't know they had those! -- and I love that, love that image of her standing by the rink with the furry mittens shivering while she watches junior jam that puck in the net. Old Johnny Mac's gotta learn her kids names! Five's gonna be tough, though, so no promises there. And then she made cocoa for the whole team before going to a PTA meeting! I love that, too! So what if it was only two years ago. My Aunt Tillie could be the Vice-President. Not a hard job!

And I'm really happy that she married her high school sweetheart, no problems there, no bad relationships, no love children, no pesky STDs for the liberal media to uncover. Only crabs in Sarah Palin's family are Alaskan King! String around the finger: send Elizabeth Edwards a note.

I was so nervous when I introduced her I could barely look up from my speech. Especially that part where I had to say "I'd like to introduce Sarah Palin, the next Vice-President of the United States." Woulda been pretty embarrassing if I had flubbed that one and said "Kay Bailey Hutchinson" or something. Boy, is she gonna be pissed! That old gal thought she was next in line for the estrogen slot. Gotta send her some flowers or something. Old Kay Bailey wouldn't have looked at me like Sally will, with those Nancy Reagan eyes. Cindy doesn't look at me like that until after the third vodka and I don't know what she's seeing at that point anyway, probably Peyton Manning.

I wonder if Kay Bailey can be bought off with flowers? I think she can. Most gals, give 'em a gift and they're like a monkey with a piece of tin foil. The gals are very distractible, it's a scientific fact. Not Hillary, but far as I know no ones ever run a chromosome check on her. I think I can get Kay back on the Johnny Mac train with flowers. That's the thing with women, they're not rational. Which is why I love this hockey-mom-of-five-moose hunter. Because she's anti-choice, pro-gun, died in the wool conservative but these Hillary-lovin' gals have replaced their eyes with their ovaries and old Johnny Mac's gonna pull the wool over 'em!

This Sally Palin's sure giving a helluva speech. Damn, she can talk. Yak yak yak. No wonder her husband takes all those long boat trips. Is she gonna finish soon? This old soldier needs a nap. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.