What John McCain Is Thinking, Part III

That anger management fella my guys hired told me to breathe. One two three in, one two three out...that's better. Who the %#@! hired a band called Hookers & Blow to play at our convention?

Let's see... We got another hurricane rattling off the Gulf Coast just in time to remind everyone Republicans can't do anything right, the convention's getting turned into the Jerry Lewis Telethon so we can pretend the GOP gives a crap about wet Democrats, and someone forgot to mention -- excuse me? -- Sally Palin's kid is pregnant. What sh*t-for-brains campaign employee that's supposed to be vetting these people missed the baby bump? The media wonders why I get pissed off? MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!!! Calm down, sailor. Don't let 'em see you sweat...Breathe, breathe, one two three...

You'd think these nimrods I have working for me might put down their iPhones long enough to read the newspapers up in Alaska. Turns out they're not all fans, the media up there, turns out Sally Palin wasn't all that popular. I know no one reads newspapers anymore, but come on people...a little bit of digging and you'd have found out -- what? -- she nearly got recalled when she was mayor!

I met Sarah Powell one time, had a phone conversation after that, what I like to call a follow-up -- no one can say Johnny Mac isn't thorough! -- and I thought I had a sense of the lady. Abstinence only, no sex ed in schools, creationism, she sure talked the talk and this old boy fell for it like a ton of bricks. That pr*!k James Dobson had finally said he was gonna vote for me. What are my evangelical friends going to think now? That Jamie Lynn Spears is on the ticket, that's what!

And you think one of my guys might've mentioned Troopergate to me? Anything with "gate" attached, maybe the candidate needs to hear it!? Maybe I wouldn't have anger issues if I wasn't SURROUNDED BY USELESS, BRAIN DEAD %$#@&!*#...Breathe, dammit, breathe...one two three, one two three.

It's bad enough this Alaska gal tried to fire that state trooper -- everyone hates state troopers anyway, so who really cares? -- but when she couldn't get it done did she have to eighty-six his boss? Did it occur to any of the brainiacs in my inner circle to mention this to the candidate? That it might not look good? That maybe it might not make her look so... so... mavericky?

But a pregnant teenager, oooh baby, that's a little more complicated. Hope she's not planning on getting married in the Rose Garden. Why aren't the candidates' children out of bounds? Why do the liberals have to keep reminding people about that joke I told at that Republican Senate fundraiser, the one where I asked why Chelsea Clinton was so ugly? And the answer was because Janet Reno was her dad? It wasn't like I said it on the Daily Show but all I'm getting is grief! Why can't they lay off Sally Palin's kid? String around the finger: send Chelsea some flowers.

Sarah, Sarah, I love it when you shoot a bear-ah... leave off the darn poetry, cowboy. That's Obama territory... but how can I ever trust you, Sarah Powell? How is old Johnny Mac supposed to trust you if you keep pulling the wool over his peepers? What's American gonna think? It's like I'm your dad and you're sneaking out at night and taking the car, buying beer, drinking and driving, and then knockin' boots with some trailer park halfwit in the back seat! It's one thing for this old flyboy to have done that, I'm a shoot-from-the-hip gunner and damn the torpedoes! But when a moose-killing, family-values mom of five has it going on in her own home...the snake handlers? The just say no-ers? They're not gonna like it.

Voters are gonna wonder what else she's not telling the old man. We get elected I think I may be the first president who ever has to spank his own V.P.! I see myself in the cabinet room, looking at her sitting between my Secretary of State Joe Lieberman and my Secretary of Energy Dale Earnhardt and I'm saying "You are grounded, Missy!"

What does the First Dude think about this anyway? Better ask THE #%@*! IDIOTS WORKING FOR ME!!! Calm down, soldier...breathe one two three... better query the old staff about whether anyone's had a sit-down with Mr. Palin. I'm starting to understand those long boat trips he takes.

What is it with women anyway? Either it's yak, yak, yak, they won't stop talking, or they're telling you black is white. I wonder if Sally's willing to campaign in those go-go boots I keep hearing about.

And I have to ask Cindy to please, please, please, and I'm gonna say this nicely -- shut the f*#! up. Bad enough she was "helping" me deal with the Georgia situation by sticking her nose in the World Food Bank's business. Doesn't help the campaign to say Sarah Powell has foreign policy experience because Alaska's near Russia. It's like saying Mike Huckabee has it because he likes nachos.

Maybe I shoulda picked ol' Huck. Compared to Sally, he's Julius Caesar. Two of us got along like a coupla M&Ms on the trail, he's right on all the issues the Jesus Team cares about, and he killed on Leno. Come to think of it, ol' Huck's kind of a celebrity and that's working out pretty well for the other side. How'd Huck miss out? It was all Mitt this, Pawlenty that, until the Straight Talker went for that Alaskan gal because she was the most qualified person to be President! Of the motherf&@$&!*# PTA!! WHAT DID I DO, GOD?? WHAT DID I DO?? Breathe, one two three...

And the libs are saying we pulled a "Hail Mary." I guess that's because they can't call it a "F*#! You!" I loved the whole Sally Palin idea, really injected some buzzaroo, juiced up the old campaign. It was like a party around here for what...a day or so? Kinda like everyone drank a little too much. And right now...this old pilot thinks he's gonna be sick. What happened when that Eagleton fella quit the ticket? That worked out pretty well, right?