What makes a confident woman doubt herself? An independent, self-sufficient hard working woman feel as though she's not enough? The answer is simply men, or I should say lost men. This is know man hating article, but rather an honest view of many who make successful women crumble for no purpose beyond an ego boost. And why is that?
The other day my father was reminding me of the extraordinary life I've lived so far. As he did I found myself shrugging, unimpressed with the list he rambled off. The time I flew with the Blue Angles, and in a military helicopter, the only story teller to report live during an ember fire storm, received a murder confession in an interview as a news reporter, survived an LA riot attack, chased tornadoes, fought for injustices in my communities, flown in private jets across the globe, enjoyed 'screaming eagle' on a deserted island with billionaires to sharing cocktails and laughs with celebrity's people swoon over.
So how come I still feel unaccomplished? Why do I feel as if I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not marriage material? It's because I'm single, and its what society alludes too when your single. It's what some men make us feel. It's the moment a confident woman is cracked to the core of her foundation. We can't be a certain age without children hence Jennifer Anniston, facing public ridicule. It's when men say "You're so great, why are you still single?" as if were secretly carrying the plague. Why won't society, the media let women just be?
Trust me, were aware of ticking clocks, time-lines, paying our own bills, caring for everyone else around us while living up to the perfect delusional image men expect us to be, we get it. What's worse is the pool of men were supposed to choose from.
It's not as though I don't have options, I'm not going to be with a man just to avoid loneliness, I'm not going to fill my nights or my bed with someone I'm not passionate about. I open myself up when desire and interest are sparked. That rare formula is what moments are made of, when we find ourselves hopeful, and then of course that moment of hope eventually turns to disappointment.
Every woman I know yearns for a man to truly love them, to have their backs in life, to be who they say they are. I don't know anyone who has accomplished that partnership. Men are quick to fall in lust, eager to push their way into our lives, portray this image of a man they turn out not to be. How many of you have endured the "pull back" move? Or what men call the "slow fade out"? Let me break it down. This stunning creature of a man, tall, piercing blue eyes and seemingly talented in his acting craft, discovers one of my articles. Then two, and three. Next thing you know were messaging each other on social media. He takes it one step further by reading my book! I should point out a guy I dated for five years never read one chapter and this handsome beast read my memoir in three days. He is engaging me daily. Texts all day and night. He's different because he's vulnerable. He's confiding in me with some personal heavy information and emotions. A rarity for guys. He forced his way into my thoughts because well, his charm and honesty. I thought finally. Finally, a man, who is falling for me through my words, my story, my thoughts before my looks, kindof like the hit NBC show 'THE VOICE' he likes everything about me without seeing me. So, we meet, long distance, across the country in New York, two strangers oddly bonded fast and more in-depth then many relationships are after months of dating. I already know his fears and insecurities. We were face to face, and the chemistry was electric it suddenly became too real. I was the woman he'd confessed many unforeseen truths too, I knew his insecurities, his flaws and now that we were face to face it was too much to take in. He could no longer unveil his weaknesses and hardships. Perhaps my personality wasn't what he imagined it to be? Perhaps he built up a nurturing woman in his head and this boss bitch showed up and failed his expectations?
All I know is this person who broke me down to allow him in, was no longer comfortable sharing. I tried to see if the chemistry was truly there. A heated debate, turned into a passionate kiss which lasted the length of a short film. It was sensual and full of confused passion. Two people who could be perfect for one another but fizzled from fear. It wasn't mine, but his.
He kept telling me "He doesn't ever feel he's enough" words I've never heard uttered before. I tried to console those thoughts, offering perspective but later I realized he projected those words onto me with his actions. Instead of knowing in my heart, he's not ready, he's lost, he's insecure, he has trust issues, he's got a lot of personal problems, instead of looking at the facts, I just kept telling myself, "I wasn't enough". Why do we allow lost or troubled men to confuse what we know to be true of ourselves? Why do their thoughts and actions affect us so deeply?
It's because we fear ending up alone and that fear turns a rational, strong mind into an irrational, ready to please any douchebag mindset.
Love is easy. When actor guy woke up each morning and sent me a text, followed by ten more throughout the day it was easy, and welcomed. Our excitement building, our hope was encouraged. Because two people in those weeks were fully invested. That's all it takes is two people to be simply invested. For two people to ride whatever wave life brings us, be it, awkward moments, long distance, conflicting schedules and insecurities shouting at us. Remember falling in love isn't supposed to be over analyzed it's just easy. Unnecessary complicated men belong in their own bubbles of self-torture.
The next time you're on the receiving end of a "fade out" a slow "pull back" don't panic ladies. Feel relieved in knowing he wasn't strong enough for you. Only boys fear strength, your partner is out there. Until you meet, never forget, you live this life for yourself, by your rules. The next time society or a boy says "You're so great why are you still single?" Just smile and say "Because I haven't come across a man yet."